Sunday, March 28, 2010

Emotional Weekend

Friday night my husband told me that he had unintentionally obligated to a work function on Saturday forgetting that it was my son's end of the season party for hockey.  I was so upset since this is not the first time something like this has happened.  Why oh why can't he remember that he has important family events planned.  He realized this some time after his bosses third call that day to verify he was coming.  To make it worse the function was a trip to casino 90 minutes away.  It was supposed to strengthen the teams bond.  They gambled for a few hours and then had dinner.  It was ridiculous.  But, I accepted it even if I was disappointed for our son.  I did know that my husband truly wanted to be there and was upset he couldn't be.  He actually had the balls to ask me to go with him and have my father or a teammates father bring our son to the party...which includes the handing out of  trophies and certificates after skating and pizza.  I can't believe he would seriously ask me to comtemplate that.  Any other time I would have gone.  Even if it meant missing a game.  But not a special event such as this.  So, he went to his function and I took the kids (including my stepdaughter) to the party.  We all had lots of fun and I have no regrets of the choice I made.
Today was another matter.  First off, I put my foot in my mouth this morning.  I got upset that my stepdaughter was leaving even earlier than originally planned.  We normally drop her off at her mom's around 7:30/8:00.  Today however, she had plans for her mom's boyfriend's sister (are you following this?) to pick her up at 3:00 so they could meet boyfriend's mom and go to a hotel overnight. This is something kind of traditional for them,,,,to kick the end of winter blues, so to say.  I don't begrudge her this in the least.  She deserves it.  What breaks my heart is that they can't wait until later in the day to pick her up.  It cuts into our family time with her.  It hurts.  The worst of it is that these things don't even faze my husband any more.  He's on an emotional disconnect when it comes to thses things with his oldest child.  So sad.  I feel that I care more and hurt more about this for me and the kids.  Why?  Is it wrong for it to hurt me this much?   The foot in mouth thing happened because I didn't "filter my words" (to quote stepdaughter).  She told me that she was actually leaving earlier than originally planned and she hadn't had a chance to tell me.  I unthoughtfully replied, why does it have to cut into our time with you?  We only get to see you once every other weekend and we're (meaning daddy and the kids) blood.  I still can't believe I was so insensitive!  I have a habit (that I am trying hard to work on) of speaking how I feel without waiting to find the right words.  I don't mean to hurt anyone, but sometimes I do.  I need to stop and find the right words for it.  She didn't come out and say I hurt her, just calmly got up and washed off her breakfast disher before retreating upstairs.  Oh my God!  What was I thinking?!  That was not only hurtful but rude, thoughtless and so many other things.  I waited for a good 10 minutes because I wanted to say the "right" words.  Thank goodness, she let me come in when I knocked and she listened to my heartfelt apology.. In the end, she said she knew I ddin't mean it that way and we talked about "filtering" what we thought before it came out wrong.  It was a great talk and I know it was heartfel on both sides.  I even cried.  I told her that I want her to always know that she is my first child and I love her very much.  I definately feel like we had a real bonding momennt.  It was as nice as the one we had last weekend when she was over...she told me about some intimate details about her life (and a close friendship gone wrong).  She told me that while she can talk to her mom about these things she likes to come to me for advice.  It made me feel good.  I love her so much it hurts that we don't have her more.  I try to get whatever time we can with her.  Our talk went well this morning and branched into other things.  Daddy was gone doing errands at thsi time.  When all was said and done, we went out to Dunkin donuts for coffee/hot cocoa and bagels.  It was nice and I really feel were are more than good because she understands I don't bemoan her time with her "aunt" and "grandma" I just miss her and wish we had her more.
The day ebbed and flowed from there.  My husband wasn't around for most of it.  First he went to have his rental care vacuumed, then slept on the couch for a while and then upstars in our room (saying he wasn't feeling well).  He finally made an ppearance a half hour before my stepdaughter left.
I love my husband, unfortunately we have an up and down relationship.  There are many highs and lows.  This weekend his was absent in many ways.  To make matters worse, he decided to bring up the tax money not long after my stepdaughter left.  We typically split it.  I spend my money on things for the kids over the year, leaving it my checking account.  I get them school clothes, birthday gifrts, christmas gifts, things for school and home as needed.  I rarely spend much on myself...some seasonal clothes here or there totallying my $200 over a year.  I'm not quite certain what he spends his on.  What's disheartening is we got a new homebuyers credit last year for the purchase of our house.  We have to pay this back.  We got back $7000 for it plus another $4500.  We both took $2500 for ourselves and put the remaining $6500 in our savings account so we could spend it on the house.  In August we took out about $2000 for vacation.  We should have had $4500 left.  It's all gone...somewhere.  Bills my husband tells me now.  He never had the decency to tell me he was dipping in to it.  I understand it if he needed it but why not be upfront and tell me.  I just found this out not long ago.  So, he "asks" me if he can have more of the tax money because our cell phone bill is over $1000!  What the heck?!  On top of that he has another $500 deductible to pay for car repairs (2nd "no fault" accident in 4 months!).  I told him take it all if he really needed it and I meant it.  I was being mean, though I was floored.  Well, he took that to be bitchy and we got into it big time.  It's so unfair that my 5 year old daughter is STILL waiting for a bunk bed to rerplace the toddler bed she is getting too bigh for.  It's ridiculous!  But I held my tongue.  He has money management problems and anger management issues.  Everything ends up my fault and if we argue it's because of what I said.  He jumped down my throat.  I thnk he was looking for a fight to cover the fact that he wanted the tax money and hated asking for it.  He needs to grow up!  He's almost 40.  Everything does not need to be a fight.  To top it off he refuses to shut up when the kids are home.  Why can't we be civil about it?  It's not fair to be hollering with them their to hear it.  In the same room!  It was bad and it's not the first time.  We need help and he refuses it, doesn't see the need.  It hurts me because I know not only can I continue to go through this but neither can our children.  I'm lost and don't know what to do.  His answer to the end of the arguement was....I'm now going to take all the money, I'm not going to pay your car insurance, I hope your car breaks down...etc.  What the heck?  Are you a child?  Yes, he pays the whole mortgage.  He also makes $65000 to my $23,000.  I buy all the food, pay the electric, pay for my car needs (gas and such) and everything for the kids...clothes, school supplies,etc.  I pull the weight I can.  I don't splurge on myself ever.  I don't get it.  He refuses to cut down on our satellite bill, our cell phone service, etc.  I'm down to the bare bones and don't know what to do.  I'm worried we'll lose the house before he gets it.  I don't know where this leaves the two of us once again (as this is a reoccuring issue).  He's upstairs in our bed and I'm down on the couch.  I might go up into my daughter's room and sleep in stepdaughter's bed.  I hate this.   I don't want to fight.  Why can't we love each other, talk to one another as equals, compromise and put our family first.  I just don't know what's going to happen.
Keep our family in your prayers.  I want us to become strong, not weak.

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