Anxiety

I feel the need to put my thoughts down in words to empty them out of my head.  There's so much going on here that my head is spinning and my heart racing.  My anxiety level fluctuates throughout the day and is always worse when I'm not busy doing something.  I started the medicine my doctor gave me on Monday night.  It says that it will take a few weeks to reach it's full effect.  I'm hoping to see a positive impact because I don't want to have to try different medicines until I find the one that works right for me.  The one she gave me is mild she said and non habit forming.  This is why I'm trying it.  I fear anything that is strong and addictive.  My anxiety has gotten worse but not yet to the level that I want to try these options.
Last night my husband started his second job at the grocery store in the deli.  He'll be working 3 nights a week from 5:30-10:00 and only making $8 an hour.  My heart aches that it's come to this.  He gets up every morning around 3:30 to commute an hour.  He typically works 5:00 a.m. to 5:00/6:00 p.m.  He's a store manager and always puts in 5 to 6 days....60-72 hours in an average week.  Now he has to try to get everything done by 4:30 so he can make it back this way and to his second job by 5:30.  I fear it's going to take him over the edge mentally, physically and emotionally. 
I feel it's all my fault because I can't find a job.  I have a degree in communications that's never been used.  Sad, isn't it.  I got the opportunity to make good money as a retail manager right out of college and took it because I needed a way to pay my student loans.  Plus, there weren't a lot of media jobs in the area I was living.  I would really love to find a writing or PR job.  I don't have any current experience so they won't touch me.  I could get a retail management job easily enough but can't because of my medical restrictions.  Because of my neck/shoulder injury the doctor does not want me doing any lifting over 20 lbs, no overhead reaching and no repetitive motions (bagging, stocking, etc). If you're not aware, retail management (in most companies) is a very thankless and physical job.  I'm 5'2", 130 lbs and I was pulling in 10-12 pallets and breaking them down (10 ft off the ground).  Many totes/boxes easily weigh 30-60 lbs.  I can't do any of that.  I would undo all the progress I've made.  The doctor said in 10 years my body is going to have a lot of problems and the best way to minimize it is to stay out of that field.  I have extensive office experience while being a retail manager but no one will hire me. Of course, there's people out there who appear more qualified and have worked in an actual office setting.  It frustrates me to tears.  I've filed paperwork, answered phones, resolved customer issues, written schedules, inputted data and so much more.  I know I can do the job if someone would give me the chance.  I would love to work in a doctor's office.  I love working with people.  I keep hunting and praying I find something. 
I need something yesterday.  My worker's compensation is on hold right now while the lawyers and doctors hash out if I have a permanent partial disability.  The judge won't rule until (hopefully no longer) the end of the year.  My stomach is sick because we need that money for household bills and groceries.  To make matters worse my unemployment may be on hold.  I received a letter a month ago that 14 more weeks of unemployment benefits were available to me effective May third.  I called to claim and the system told me that I would have to reapply for benefits. I don't know now what's going to happen.  It will take at least 4 to 6 weeks to see benefits I'm sure.  My heart is sick.  I don't like being on unemployment.  I fought to stay off of it but my lawyer said to do it because it would help support my family and he was right.  We need this money until I have a job.  Would anyone like to hire me?  This is killing me.  I want to work, I need to work.  To make matters worse I have to have a day job because I have to pickup the kids from school and do their homework with them.  That limits me some and that sucks.  We can't afford a sitter and I would need someone I trust to make sure their homework is not only complete but done correctly.
I'm not sure I shared here but my husband is in the process of trying to find a better paying job.  He's been interviewing with this one company for 2 months now.  He actually went out of state last week to their corporate headquarters to interview with their VPs of Human Resources and Marketing.  He thinks he did well and received a phone call Monday that the CEO wanted to do a phone interview him Thursday (today).  My husband has important weekly district meetings on Thursdays but told him he would make it happen.  He made it work only to get an email yesterday stating that the interview needed to be moved back 90 minutes.  There's no way my husband could make that happen.  Now, it's been rescheduled for next Thursday and it's still a problem.  I'm praying something can be worked out.  Getting this job means many changes for our family.  Initially it will be a lot of added stress but it will be better in the long run.  My husband would probably need to commute even longer and we would look into relocating.  Overall, a good thing.  We feel this isn't the right area for our family and now would be the perfect time to move.
The new part time job has added stress to my husband beyond the obvious.  The kids had a lot of trouble going to bed without him last night.  My son cried.  My heartbroke.  It hurts us all he's not there.  He's struggling with trying to make it work and trying to have a family life.  My stepdaughter's dance recital is this weekend.  It's Friday and 6 pm and Saturday at 2.  He's supposed to work the second job both days.  He also works his primary job both those days.  He's going to try to  work his primary job a half a day Saturday but he doesn't know if he can make it happen.  He's possibly stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Normally, he would miss the recital and make it up to her.  Here's the wrench in the works....We couldn't afford to go, so we had worked out that my husband and daughter would just go.  We had to do this last year too because of cost.  Who has $60+ to throw away on a recital during these hard economic times?!  We wanted to support her and this was the compromise we came up with.  I would have just gone instead and explained he couldn't get out of work.  It would've definitely sucked and I know it would've hurt her too and we would never intentionally do that.  The Wrench...she bought him tickets to bring everyone as a Father's Day gift.  The thought makes me cry because it was so precious and heartfelt.  We haven't gone as a family in 3 years.  Now this.  I pray he can work something out because now we really want and need to make it happen.  I feel horrible because it's even more stress on him.  My daughter has a father/daughter Girl Scout dance next Wednesday and he already asked for it off at the second job.  He doesn't want to disappoint her either.  There's so much weight on his shoulders.  It all brings tears to my eyes.
It's not fair.  Life's not fair.  I know.  I know.  People have it much worse.  I know.  But, right now I'm trying to work out our reality.  We need to come to grips with it.  We're working on changing it but that doesn't make it any easier.  Ironic that just 10 years ago we were single and making good money combined.  Now this.  Life is definitely the class of Hard Knocks.  Get up, wipe yourself off and adapt or you'll be run over and find yourself knee deep in quicksand.

Coping with Daily Life

Saturday started off as a great day.  Hubby was home from his out of town job interview and I was snuggled in his arms.  We got to sleep in since Goalie Boy's hockey game wasn't until 10:30.  It was simply wonderful. 
We hadn't been back to the rink since my son's coach emailed us the Friday before to let us know the rink would be closing in a few short weeks.  All the emotions hit me walking into the rink.  I felt overwhelmed by them.  It feels so silly feeling so strongly about a building, but I do.  As I've said before, it's been my son's saving grace.  I see my son in the light I rarely get to see him in at home.  I see him enthusiastic, positive and so much more.  I felt like a weight was pressing down on me because I worry so about losing this part of my son.  I don't know why, but I worry about him becoming a sullen, negative child.  I think it's because he is often hard on himself.  I know we are going to find another place for him to play but I know we have many hurdles to jump over first.  We are struggling financially but we've vowed to make this work for him.  We need to find some place within reasonable driving distance (no place is closer than an hour) due to school and the cost of gas.  We need a team that will have a spot for him, as many tryouts for the fall season have already taken place.  We need someplace that he fits in and has a supportive coaching staff.  And finally, someplace that will work with our finances.  We have all that where we are now and I have faith that we will find all that again.
I try to stay positive but as a planner I need to see the whole picture and work things out from all possible angles.  The last few years have been a struggle.  The last 5 months really tough.  I continue to fight. I'm dealing various (mild/moderate) health issues, financial issues, unemployment, my son's hearing and struggling in schools, my husband interviewing for a new job, the rink closing, worker's comp payments (temporarily?) suspended, reapplying for unemployment and so much more.  The unemployment and financial issues are a dark, heavy cloud over my head pressing me down.
Just a few weeks ago I had my latest comp hearing where my payments we suspended.  My doctors and comp drs can't agree on whether or not I have a minor disability.  I've been searching for a job to no avail.  Last week I called in to claim my weekly unemployment only to be told that it was my final week to claim and I'd have to reapply.  This after I received a letter stating I had been approved for 14 more weeks and would not need to reapply.  So, here I am without any means of income.  It will be at least 6-8 months before a judge decides my comp case.  My husband is struggling to pay the mortgage and other bills I've been helping with.  I don't know what we'll be doing next month.  There's no one to help us.  My husband starts a part time evening job making minimum wage this week.  I feel horrible that he has to work all the harder because I can't find anything.  He works so much now.  I worry about him.  I worry about us.
My husband was gone part of last week for a job interview out of state.  We're keeping our fingers crossed that something comes from it.  He got a call today that he's made it to the final stage of the interview process. We're trying to keep it in perspective and not get too excited.  You get too high and it's a long way crashing down.  The wonderful thing is getting the job will give him a raise, a company car and an expense account.  The scary thing is hubby will have to commute at least an hour and a half each way until we find a place to live.  We have to figure out what to do with our house....it's a two family and my parents live on the other half.  Do we rent it out?  I can't imagine selling.  We've only lived here 3 years (in July).  Then we have to house hunt (renting to start, I'm sure), find the right school (one that can help my son) and look into a rink.  The good news is, the area I think we'll be living in, will have a number of hockey programs to choose from.  Moving will  be the best thing for us all.  We need a new start.  We need to leave this area, break away from my parents (we support them way more than they realize or will admit) and school district.  It's going to be hard though.  We've planted roots here.  I'm sad, yet realistic that it's for the best.
So, walking into that rink Saturday just brought a lot of deep emotions to the surface.  I keep tamping them down but they continue to rise up.  The good news for Saturday is my son played an amazing game and got a SHUTOUT!  I'm so very proud of him.  He's working so hard and focusing.  I was able to shrug off the anxiety rising up.  After the game my hubby and son went with friends of ours to a Nascar race.  I'm grateful to hubby's friend because he is selfless.  He gets the tickets from his job and uses the business points he earns for the hotel.  It's a nice treat when we're watching every penny.
I took my daughter out to lunch as a treat.  That's when the anxiety hit me.  Out of nowhere.  My heart was racing and I couldn't focus my thoughts.  I blamed it on the coffee I had drank earlier and the fact that we we're having such a late lunch.  After eating, the feeling s subsided some so I convinced myself that it was only a jittery, caffeine rush.
Too bad I know that's not the case now.  I picked my son up from school today and was fine.  A little while later we left and got my daughter from girl scouts.  Not long after walking into the house that scary, jittery feeling hit me again. I couldn't control it, couldn't like it away.  My mind was racing, my heart pounding.  I don't even know what set it off.  I have to admit it for what it's for Anxiety.  I think I'm overwhelmed by everything going on and the new changes on the horizon. I'm afraid we'll lose everything.
My doctor gave me a script for a medicine last year for anxiety when I was a bit overwhelmed with everything going on.  I didn't even tell her.  She took one look at me and knew.  She had to convince me it was worth a try to see if it helped.  It did to an extent.  I only took it a few times so I really didn't give it a chance to work to it's full potential.  I think what helped at the time is I found out I was able to start collecting partial unemployment and that took a bit of a load off.  Now, it's here again.  So I called the pharmacy to find out if the script was still valid.  It wasn't but they called the doctor and got a new one.  I'm so grateful.  I'm going to start it tonight even though I hate taking meds.  I need something right now to keep me centered.  I need to be here for my family.  I found that earlier, it was a struggle to keep it together when the kids were going at it over something trivial.  I can't do that to my kids or myself.  I'm hoping it will help get me on the right track. 
Hubby didn't quite understand at first when I told him I was getting an anxiety med from the doctor.  He asked why.  I told him it was because I was just overwhelmed emotionally by everything going on and felt like life was spinning out of control.  Unfortunately, at first, he made a flip comment about it sounding like "life".  I was so hurt and upset.  I hung up the phone with him before I started to cry.  He gave me a few minutes and then explained that he didn't me it the way it sounded.  He meant that, life is always crazy and out of control for us.  He was supportive and for that I appreciate it.  I hated admitting I had a problem coping with what life's throwing at me...I almost felt like a failure.  I know I'm not and I know it's ok to look for help.
So, now I'm coping with more support and not lost in my own head feeling like there's something wrong with me.