Thursday, May 19, 2011

Anxiety

I feel the need to put my thoughts down in words to empty them out of my head.  There's so much going on here that my head is spinning and my heart racing.  My anxiety level fluctuates throughout the day and is always worse when I'm not busy doing something.  I started the medicine my doctor gave me on Monday night.  It says that it will take a few weeks to reach it's full effect.  I'm hoping to see a positive impact because I don't want to have to try different medicines until I find the one that works right for me.  The one she gave me is mild she said and non habit forming.  This is why I'm trying it.  I fear anything that is strong and addictive.  My anxiety has gotten worse but not yet to the level that I want to try these options.
Last night my husband started his second job at the grocery store in the deli.  He'll be working 3 nights a week from 5:30-10:00 and only making $8 an hour.  My heart aches that it's come to this.  He gets up every morning around 3:30 to commute an hour.  He typically works 5:00 a.m. to 5:00/6:00 p.m.  He's a store manager and always puts in 5 to 6 days....60-72 hours in an average week.  Now he has to try to get everything done by 4:30 so he can make it back this way and to his second job by 5:30.  I fear it's going to take him over the edge mentally, physically and emotionally. 
I feel it's all my fault because I can't find a job.  I have a degree in communications that's never been used.  Sad, isn't it.  I got the opportunity to make good money as a retail manager right out of college and took it because I needed a way to pay my student loans.  Plus, there weren't a lot of media jobs in the area I was living.  I would really love to find a writing or PR job.  I don't have any current experience so they won't touch me.  I could get a retail management job easily enough but can't because of my medical restrictions.  Because of my neck/shoulder injury the doctor does not want me doing any lifting over 20 lbs, no overhead reaching and no repetitive motions (bagging, stocking, etc). If you're not aware, retail management (in most companies) is a very thankless and physical job.  I'm 5'2", 130 lbs and I was pulling in 10-12 pallets and breaking them down (10 ft off the ground).  Many totes/boxes easily weigh 30-60 lbs.  I can't do any of that.  I would undo all the progress I've made.  The doctor said in 10 years my body is going to have a lot of problems and the best way to minimize it is to stay out of that field.  I have extensive office experience while being a retail manager but no one will hire me. Of course, there's people out there who appear more qualified and have worked in an actual office setting.  It frustrates me to tears.  I've filed paperwork, answered phones, resolved customer issues, written schedules, inputted data and so much more.  I know I can do the job if someone would give me the chance.  I would love to work in a doctor's office.  I love working with people.  I keep hunting and praying I find something. 
I need something yesterday.  My worker's compensation is on hold right now while the lawyers and doctors hash out if I have a permanent partial disability.  The judge won't rule until (hopefully no longer) the end of the year.  My stomach is sick because we need that money for household bills and groceries.  To make matters worse my unemployment may be on hold.  I received a letter a month ago that 14 more weeks of unemployment benefits were available to me effective May third.  I called to claim and the system told me that I would have to reapply for benefits. I don't know now what's going to happen.  It will take at least 4 to 6 weeks to see benefits I'm sure.  My heart is sick.  I don't like being on unemployment.  I fought to stay off of it but my lawyer said to do it because it would help support my family and he was right.  We need this money until I have a job.  Would anyone like to hire me?  This is killing me.  I want to work, I need to work.  To make matters worse I have to have a day job because I have to pickup the kids from school and do their homework with them.  That limits me some and that sucks.  We can't afford a sitter and I would need someone I trust to make sure their homework is not only complete but done correctly.
I'm not sure I shared here but my husband is in the process of trying to find a better paying job.  He's been interviewing with this one company for 2 months now.  He actually went out of state last week to their corporate headquarters to interview with their VPs of Human Resources and Marketing.  He thinks he did well and received a phone call Monday that the CEO wanted to do a phone interview him Thursday (today).  My husband has important weekly district meetings on Thursdays but told him he would make it happen.  He made it work only to get an email yesterday stating that the interview needed to be moved back 90 minutes.  There's no way my husband could make that happen.  Now, it's been rescheduled for next Thursday and it's still a problem.  I'm praying something can be worked out.  Getting this job means many changes for our family.  Initially it will be a lot of added stress but it will be better in the long run.  My husband would probably need to commute even longer and we would look into relocating.  Overall, a good thing.  We feel this isn't the right area for our family and now would be the perfect time to move.
The new part time job has added stress to my husband beyond the obvious.  The kids had a lot of trouble going to bed without him last night.  My son cried.  My heartbroke.  It hurts us all he's not there.  He's struggling with trying to make it work and trying to have a family life.  My stepdaughter's dance recital is this weekend.  It's Friday and 6 pm and Saturday at 2.  He's supposed to work the second job both days.  He also works his primary job both those days.  He's going to try to  work his primary job a half a day Saturday but he doesn't know if he can make it happen.  He's possibly stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Normally, he would miss the recital and make it up to her.  Here's the wrench in the works....We couldn't afford to go, so we had worked out that my husband and daughter would just go.  We had to do this last year too because of cost.  Who has $60+ to throw away on a recital during these hard economic times?!  We wanted to support her and this was the compromise we came up with.  I would have just gone instead and explained he couldn't get out of work.  It would've definitely sucked and I know it would've hurt her too and we would never intentionally do that.  The Wrench...she bought him tickets to bring everyone as a Father's Day gift.  The thought makes me cry because it was so precious and heartfelt.  We haven't gone as a family in 3 years.  Now this.  I pray he can work something out because now we really want and need to make it happen.  I feel horrible because it's even more stress on him.  My daughter has a father/daughter Girl Scout dance next Wednesday and he already asked for it off at the second job.  He doesn't want to disappoint her either.  There's so much weight on his shoulders.  It all brings tears to my eyes.
It's not fair.  Life's not fair.  I know.  I know.  People have it much worse.  I know.  But, right now I'm trying to work out our reality.  We need to come to grips with it.  We're working on changing it but that doesn't make it any easier.  Ironic that just 10 years ago we were single and making good money combined.  Now this.  Life is definitely the class of Hard Knocks.  Get up, wipe yourself off and adapt or you'll be run over and find yourself knee deep in quicksand.

2 comments:

Hungrigyrl said...

My heart is breaking for you...I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope your hubby gets the new job. I'm sorry about your physical restrictions. Have you thought of going to a temp agency? You should try it, if they get you some assignments in offices you will gain experience and who knows maybe one of them will want to keep you. I know its hard, but try to be positive. You will survive this.

Mommy's Juggling Act said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my aimless ramblings. Writing it out seems to alleviate some of the stress.
A temp agency is a good idea. My only fear is how it will effect my unemployment once (hopefully) my extension gets approved. I fear I'll end up with less money that will be sporadic at best. But your right, I will gain the experience I need. I'll definitely have to check and see what kind of agencies are in my area. Thank you for your support. I'm keeping my head up and being positive (most days, usuallly).