Saturday started off as a great day. Hubby was home from his out of town job interview and I was snuggled in his arms. We got to sleep in since Goalie Boy's hockey game wasn't until 10:30. It was simply wonderful.
We hadn't been back to the rink since my son's coach emailed us the Friday before to let us know the rink would be closing in a few short weeks. All the emotions hit me walking into the rink. I felt overwhelmed by them. It feels so silly feeling so strongly about a building, but I do. As I've said before, it's been my son's saving grace. I see my son in the light I rarely get to see him in at home. I see him enthusiastic, positive and so much more. I felt like a weight was pressing down on me because I worry so about losing this part of my son. I don't know why, but I worry about him becoming a sullen, negative child. I think it's because he is often hard on himself. I know we are going to find another place for him to play but I know we have many hurdles to jump over first. We are struggling financially but we've vowed to make this work for him. We need to find some place within reasonable driving distance (no place is closer than an hour) due to school and the cost of gas. We need a team that will have a spot for him, as many tryouts for the fall season have already taken place. We need someplace that he fits in and has a supportive coaching staff. And finally, someplace that will work with our finances. We have all that where we are now and I have faith that we will find all that again.
I try to stay positive but as a planner I need to see the whole picture and work things out from all possible angles. The last few years have been a struggle. The last 5 months really tough. I continue to fight. I'm dealing various (mild/moderate) health issues, financial issues, unemployment, my son's hearing and struggling in schools, my husband interviewing for a new job, the rink closing, worker's comp payments (temporarily?) suspended, reapplying for unemployment and so much more. The unemployment and financial issues are a dark, heavy cloud over my head pressing me down.
Just a few weeks ago I had my latest comp hearing where my payments we suspended. My doctors and comp drs can't agree on whether or not I have a minor disability. I've been searching for a job to no avail. Last week I called in to claim my weekly unemployment only to be told that it was my final week to claim and I'd have to reapply. This after I received a letter stating I had been approved for 14 more weeks and would not need to reapply. So, here I am without any means of income. It will be at least 6-8 months before a judge decides my comp case. My husband is struggling to pay the mortgage and other bills I've been helping with. I don't know what we'll be doing next month. There's no one to help us. My husband starts a part time evening job making minimum wage this week. I feel horrible that he has to work all the harder because I can't find anything. He works so much now. I worry about him. I worry about us.
My husband was gone part of last week for a job interview out of state. We're keeping our fingers crossed that something comes from it. He got a call today that he's made it to the final stage of the interview process. We're trying to keep it in perspective and not get too excited. You get too high and it's a long way crashing down. The wonderful thing is getting the job will give him a raise, a company car and an expense account. The scary thing is hubby will have to commute at least an hour and a half each way until we find a place to live. We have to figure out what to do with our house....it's a two family and my parents live on the other half. Do we rent it out? I can't imagine selling. We've only lived here 3 years (in July). Then we have to house hunt (renting to start, I'm sure), find the right school (one that can help my son) and look into a rink. The good news is, the area I think we'll be living in, will have a number of hockey programs to choose from. Moving will be the best thing for us all. We need a new start. We need to leave this area, break away from my parents (we support them way more than they realize or will admit) and school district. It's going to be hard though. We've planted roots here. I'm sad, yet realistic that it's for the best.
So, walking into that rink Saturday just brought a lot of deep emotions to the surface. I keep tamping them down but they continue to rise up. The good news for Saturday is my son played an amazing game and got a SHUTOUT! I'm so very proud of him. He's working so hard and focusing. I was able to shrug off the anxiety rising up. After the game my hubby and son went with friends of ours to a Nascar race. I'm grateful to hubby's friend because he is selfless. He gets the tickets from his job and uses the business points he earns for the hotel. It's a nice treat when we're watching every penny.
I took my daughter out to lunch as a treat. That's when the anxiety hit me. Out of nowhere. My heart was racing and I couldn't focus my thoughts. I blamed it on the coffee I had drank earlier and the fact that we we're having such a late lunch. After eating, the feeling s subsided some so I convinced myself that it was only a jittery, caffeine rush.
Too bad I know that's not the case now. I picked my son up from school today and was fine. A little while later we left and got my daughter from girl scouts. Not long after walking into the house that scary, jittery feeling hit me again. I couldn't control it, couldn't like it away. My mind was racing, my heart pounding. I don't even know what set it off. I have to admit it for what it's for Anxiety. I think I'm overwhelmed by everything going on and the new changes on the horizon. I'm afraid we'll lose everything.
My doctor gave me a script for a medicine last year for anxiety when I was a bit overwhelmed with everything going on. I didn't even tell her. She took one look at me and knew. She had to convince me it was worth a try to see if it helped. It did to an extent. I only took it a few times so I really didn't give it a chance to work to it's full potential. I think what helped at the time is I found out I was able to start collecting partial unemployment and that took a bit of a load off. Now, it's here again. So I called the pharmacy to find out if the script was still valid. It wasn't but they called the doctor and got a new one. I'm so grateful. I'm going to start it tonight even though I hate taking meds. I need something right now to keep me centered. I need to be here for my family. I found that earlier, it was a struggle to keep it together when the kids were going at it over something trivial. I can't do that to my kids or myself. I'm hoping it will help get me on the right track.
Hubby didn't quite understand at first when I told him I was getting an anxiety med from the doctor. He asked why. I told him it was because I was just overwhelmed emotionally by everything going on and felt like life was spinning out of control. Unfortunately, at first, he made a flip comment about it sounding like "life". I was so hurt and upset. I hung up the phone with him before I started to cry. He gave me a few minutes and then explained that he didn't me it the way it sounded. He meant that, life is always crazy and out of control for us. He was supportive and for that I appreciate it. I hated admitting I had a problem coping with what life's throwing at me...I almost felt like a failure. I know I'm not and I know it's ok to look for help.
So, now I'm coping with more support and not lost in my own head feeling like there's something wrong with me.