Housework and Mommy Guilt

Looking around my house today I feel a bit overwhelmed and guilty.  What I'm talking about is mommy guilt.  You know that feeling when you have everything in a delicate balance and then you trip and all your balls go flying everywhere?  Yep, that's what I'm dealing with.  It's tough to balance being a wife, mom and woman.  It's even tougher to balance all the fringe jobs and I'm not even talking about working moms.  They are Gods unto themselves  I can vouch because once upon a time I was one of "them". 

I look back and wonder how the hell I did it!  I must have been high on insomnia because I use to run around with my head chopped off rushing here, there and everywhere.  I was a salaried retail manager working insanely long hours, often times 6 days a week.  Somehow I got it all done.  Or at least that's my perception now.  Sometimes I feel like I may have even done it better. I think my brain likes to lay on the Mommy Guilt THICK! Then again, that was almost two years ago when only one of my kids was in elementary school.  It definitely gets crazier as they get older between school, homework, activities and friends.  I didn't have as much kid juggling to do back then.  Now the time and energy I put into that is the time and effort I once put into a full time paying job.  Sidenote: Why doesn't this mommy gig pay?  How crazy is that?!  This unemployed stay at home mommy gig is exhausting and oftentimes thankless.  At least at work I got a paycheck and the occasional pat on the back. I even occasionally got a break.   However, I wouldn't change this for the world.  I love the time I'm getting with my kids and I'll be lost when I do eventually find a job.  I think they'll be a little lost too.

However, as I look around my living room right now, I feel the mommy guilt building up.  Like I said it's a delicate balance that includes all the fringe jobs.  The ball I drop quite often is housework.  Honestly, I hate it.  Please, please tell me you do too.  It would really make me feel better.  I feel guilty when I see other people's houses that look totally well put together and organized.  Tell me it's all a facade and all their clutter is piled up in the closets and tucked under the bed.  I want that clean, organized, uncluttered look but it's hard to find and even harder to maintain.

Things just find their way here when my back is turned.  I clear it off and within a few minutes days other things appear.

If you're anything like me your house is the cleanest when compay is coming.  It stresses me the hell out though...like I'm on a mission aginst the clock and the punishment will be instant judgement on my housekeeping skills  I'm lucky enough that I believe most of my friends are not like this, but still the anxiety is there.

I have to say though that I feel better after I run crazy through the house before guests arrive. I feel a sense of peace.  Seriously, once I've made the time to de-clutter and clean up I feel so much better.  Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  My house isn't really "dirty" it's just cluttered. Ok, I will confess I hate to dust so that's rarely done unless company's coming or one of the kids offer to do it.  I don't mind sweeping, mopping or vacuuming but they're all hard with my neck/shoulder issue.  It's the back and forth motion that kills me, plus the vacuum is heavy to lug around.  I sweep every day (3 or 4 times) but I only mop or vacuum once every week or two depending on what condition the floors are in.  Goalieboy said he would start helping with the vacuuming but so far that hasn't actually happened.  I'm going to get on him about that tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Our mail area...most of it is in the blue totes. This spot drives me nuts because I don't know how to get rid of it.

The clutter is killing me.  It's not horrible, horrible but it's an eye sore.  We have a very old house (1890's) and it's not big (once was but converted to a 2 family decades ago).  There are no closets outside the ones in the bedrooms.  It kills me!  I have a shoe rack by the door for mine and hubby's shoes.  The kids each have an over the door shoe holder.  I have a toy chest in the entryway where I put miscellaneous things in and my son's smelly hockey bag goes on top of it.  I can't put it in the basement or my cats will pee on it.  Ewww...I know it's disgusting.  I also have a small armourer I put things in, especially when I de-clutter.  It's like my junk drawer but it's a (mostly organized) cabinet.  The worse area for us is the divider wall (between our living room and "entryway").  That's where everything ends up.  It's a collect all space...mail, paperwork, school work and odds and ends the kids leave lying around.  It kills me. 

The toy chest with Goalieboy's smelly equipment on top.  Where can I hide this thing?!

Seriously, I would kill for a couple closets...one in the entryway and another in the upstairs hallway.  It's pitiful.  Is anyone else singing my toon right now?  Do you feel my pain?  I feel guilty when I pass up tidying  up everyday to spend time with the kids.  I feel guilty when I go de-clutter crazy and it gets in the way of doing things with the kids.  I'll feel a little less guilty in September because I'll try to keep up on it when they're in school.  But seriously, I hate choosing cleaning over the kids. 

It's  delicate balance but I'm getting better at ignoring the guilt and living for the moment.  The clutter, dishes, laundry and dirty floors will ALWAYS be there no matter what I do but my kids will only be young once.  It's becoming my mantra and when I chat it I always feel better. 

***Please tell me I"m not alone***

One of those "Mommy" Days

Anyone who follows me on Twitter may have seen me tweeting about doing some Spring cleaning today. I was geared up and in the mood. Do you ever get into one of those (rare) moods?
It wasn't on the days original agenda. See, ORIGINALLY, the plan was to take the kids and meet up with a good friend and her daughter. We were so excited. We try to get together every few weeks but it's hard to get the kids together. We live about a half hour apart and we're usually booked solid with other things on the weekend. We plan play dates during breaks/vacations. Well, hubby told me at the very last minute that he'd be off from work, so I cancelled our plans. I'm a firm believer on putting family first and it was supposed to be a family day.
Too bad it wasn't meant to be. I woke up after the kids and came downstairs to hang out with them so hubby could rest. He game down 30 minutes later, grabbed a quick bite to eat and announced he had to run to the bank to "move some money around" so our mortgage check wouldn't bounce. 45 minutes later (kids are fed and playing board games) he calls to announce he's going to stop at the gym for a workout. Then he'll be home for lunch before taking Goalie Boy to sticks and pucks at the rink. Then they would come home for an hour or so before heading over to a friend's house to watch the hockey game. Well, there went family day. If I'd known, I wouldn't have cancelled my original plans and would've just made it a girls day out.
I didn't let it get me down. The kids wanted to play outside since the sun decided to come out of hiding. I figured it was as good a time as any to get some Spring cleaning done. I didn't realize how much I had bite off until it was too late but I wasn't going to stop. Probably didn't help I was PMSing (yes, I'll admit to that). Once I get in a cleaning mood during that time of the month I run with it. I never know when I'll see it again.
I tuned my Direct Tv to 80's music and decided to tackle the living room. No easy feat. I haven't done more than minimal cleaning (vacuuming, decluttering) since November. I pulled all the furniture out of the room and had it dusted and vacuumed when hubby came back from the gym. He made us pizza for lunch. He put a load of laundry in the wash and then off the guys went to the rink. Little Bee was invited by a friend to go to the park so I figured perfect timing to finish the living room up and sweep and mop the living room.
I got the living room steam cleaned and put back together before everyone got back. I also decluttered and tossed dime stuff out. I was sore, but feeling good about what I had accomplished.
Then it happened. Hubby brought a friend of Goalie Boy's home. I wouldn't normally mind but I was in the middle of cleaning the kitchen floor. Hubby decided OT was a fine time for him to shower and do things upstairs while the boys ran in and out of the house. He expected me to stop everything I was doing. That's when my day fell apart. Here I was sweeping, mopping, doing dishes and trying to keep 2 energetic boys in line. I was really upset when hubby announced they had to leave to go watch the game because he gave them no time to clean up their mess. They tossed everything into our shed and never picked up my son's bedroom. Hubby thought I was overreacting. That hurt. He didn't try to understand where I was coming from or support me. Being on time to pick up the pizza he ordered and go to the friends house was more important. He was sending a message that it was ok to make a mess and leave it. I was.hurt and upset.
The straw that broke the camels back was after they left. I had mentioned to my husband that I would appreciate if he brought up the dirty clothes he took our of his trunk and left in the front hallway. Also, if he could make the bed. He did neither of these things. I seriously sat down and cried. I felt invisible, like my wants, needs, feelings were nonexistant. It's not right. I understand he works his butt off for us and I would too if I could find a job. But this is the pattern that has been going on forever. Even when I worked 60 hours a week too. It's so frustrating. The most he does around the house is to throw a few loads of laundry into the washer and dryer here and there. Occasionally, he may clear the table, wash dishes or fold laundry. I appreciate when he does these things. I wish he would do yard work, lend a hand around the house one day a week. Make it a family thing. I don't think he's showing our kids a good example on a male's role in the house.
I was honest and told him how I felt. He says he's sorry and he'll try harder. Unfortunately, this is not the first time we've had this conversation. I'm going to try to stay positive and hope things change.
Am I alone in feeling this way? My dad worked continuous shift when I was growing up. He never seemed to be home. However, I clearly remember him mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, doing lawn care, vacuuming, doing laundry. My husband use to do these things years ago but it stopped when my parents lived with us and it's never been the same sense.

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A Mom's Gotta Do, What a Mom's Gotta Do

So, this weekend I was sick. Achy, sore, exhausted sick. Kids and hubby to the rescue. They were great about letting me rest, kept the noise level down and continuously check on me and brought me food/water. Love them to pieces for that. I swear aliens took over their bodies temporarily, but you won’t hear me complaining.


Hubby took the kids out during the afternoon to the skating rink. They had open skating for a few hours and then my daughter had lessons a little after that. The kids had a blast. One of my son’s friends was there and they got to hang out. My princess skated the whole time with her daddy. And I got peace and quiet. Heaven, right?

Not so much. That’s because I’m a bad, sick mommy. I’m my own worst patient. While everyone is home it’s easy to stay in bed and relax. I know if I don’t one of two things is sure to happen. I will either over do things and no one will stop me or I will be told to sit on the couch in the middle of the chaos, all the while wanting to straighten up. Better to hide in the bedroom and force myself to relax.

At this point, most of the aches and pains were gone and my energy was slowly coming back. I had to take it easy because I didn't want to become exhausted. Within minutes of that front door closing I made my way slowly downstairs to find something to eat and a book to read. Too bad I can’t have tunnel vision because I saw the mess. Granted, not a major mess but still a mess that my hands itched to clean. I don't like clutter, but I can deal with it.  A house is not a home without clutter...I just wish I could hide mine better. It's the little things laying thrown carelessly about or piled up where they're not supposed to be that drive me slowly insane.

I figured I’d straighten up a bit and that would be that. Seeing the tracked in dirt on the kitchen and entryway floor drove me crazy. So I got out the broom and started there. Then I saw that our stairs could do with a good sweep so I did that too. There were a couple of dried up food spills on the floor so I cleaned them up. I didn’t have the energy to actually mop. Plus, I detest mopping.  Was that food crumbs I spied under the coffee table? I try to limit the kids eating in the living room because crumbs just can't be helped at their age. I grabbed the dirt devil and sucked those up too, along with other tiny miscellaneous things clinging to the carpet. I finally made my way to the cupboard to get a snack only to find it gone…fodder in someone else’s tummy. Dang it all to heck! I expended all my energy cleaning up and wanted to reward myself with a treat. That’s when I noticed some Tupperware crammed into the wrong space, so I rearranged that too. I went back to the living room. I folded up blanket laying on the floor and put it neatly over the back of the couch. I straightened the pillows. I picked up my daughter’s pillow pet and various kitty Webkins and put them on a corner of the couch. My son had left a waded up t-shirt and a few toys laying around. Those went onto the other corner of the love seat. His Crayon Maker was laying outside of it’s box so I tidied that up and put the box back under the end table where we keep it hidden.

I was finally ready to make myself something a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of tea. I went to grab my book and noticed the dust collecting. So, I grabbed my duster and quickly cleared away the dust.

FINALLY, I made it back upstairs; just a bit winded from my mini cleaning spree.

Need to vent...warning cursing.

Warning...I'm upset and I'm gonig to curse. I need to vent. I rarely do it and since it's my journal I'm going to just let it out....I'm going to ramble and probably make no sense. I'm so bone tired of all the weight I feel is on my shoulders...real or imagined. I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way sometimes. Some days I just crack and today's that day.




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I'm so tired of feeling like I'm doing it all at home. I know hubby works a lot outside the house and I do appreciate it. But damn it when do I get help and support at home? I'm so tired of it! I know some moms out there are going to think I'm ungrateful but I'm not! I'm just warn out and exhausted. Yes, I'm not currently working. But I do have a bad neck and shoulder and that's why I'm not working. I'm pissed off at the situation because it hasn't changed whether I'm working or not. Even when i was busting my ass working 50-70 hours a week my husband did little at home. He figured my parents were living with us and not paying anything so they should be helping out around the house. So he did little to nothing. Thing is, I would come home after a long day of 7a-5 p (or 7-7) and still have to do all the cleaning and take care of my kids. I'm not complaining about having to do this but a little support would be nice. My mom is just not good at housekeeping, though she thinks she is. I did appreciate her because she did try to help. However, when she would do a load of the kids laundry she would never pretreat and all my daughters clothes had permanent spit up stains and such. My husband didn't like her cooking so I would be expected to cook dinner for everyone when I got home. I did all the laundry, cleaned the rooms, swept/mopped, vacuumed, dusted and everything. Granted, hubby was working crazy hours too but heaven forbid I asked for help. I did it all and was bitched at if I complained. Hubby would have a beer, and put up his feet to watch whatever game happened to be on tv at the time. Or he wanted to go out and do whatever. If I said a word about staying home to do work in the house I was made to feel like I didn't want us to spend time as a family.

Well, it hasn't changed one bit. I was hooping he would pickup some slack onece we all moved and bought our own places. Nope. His excuse always was that my parents had taken over our place and it was like it wasn't ours anymore. Wait! So that makes it ok not to do anything to help out your wife and family?! Before when I was working he said, he'd help out more if I'd stop complaining and bitching about it. I made him not want to help. What the hell?! This is your house too, why wouldn't you want to help keep it clean? If I get upset with the kids for not picking up their rooms he says I expect too much and I'm a raving bitch. Why? Because I ask our kids to pick up after themselves? I do get upset after I've asked 3 or 4 times. I shouldn't have to ask more than two times TOPS! I don't expect that much of a 5 and 7 (almost 6 & 8) year old. Here's my rules...make your bed in the morning, clean up after you eat, put your toys back where you got them from. How hard is it to do those few things? And I'm not expecting spick and span rooms where everything is neat and organized. I'm expecting that they place their stuff back in their bins...not even neatly. And if they make a mess they pick it up. My son's not too bad about most of this and never was. My daughter is the consumate slob. I hate to go into her room. But she shoves her books in her book cases and shoves things under her bed (there is an under the bed bin she could put it in) and just drops things where ever they lands and leaves them there. Today I asked them to please help me out. And he got pissed at me because i wanted to do some cleaning and it was his day off. He felt I should be doing all the cleaning during the week when no one's home. That's not fair. Everyone helps dirty the house, why should I be the only one cleaning it. On top of that it pisses me off that my husband continues to walk through the house with his shoes on and gives me heck if I ask him to take them off. And if I make the big deal about it with the kids he tells me to chill out, it's one time. It's rude and disrespecful to say that to me in front of them on top of the fact that he's not the one that has to clean up whatever is tracked in. I'm so tired of all of it.

The kicker was him telling me that the kids felt I was being to hard on them when I asked them to help me outside and wash up some of their toys that had been left out all winter and were filthy. How was I being too hard or unreasonable? Here I was sweeping the top and bottom deck off of all the old leaves from the fall and the "helicopters" the tree was dropping now that it's spring and hosing it off. My shoulder/neck are still killing me from that. I'm not going to clean up the whole deck area and backyard myself. it's not fair. All I asked was them to take sponges and clean off their toys. What the hell?! He could've been understanding and supporting and told them that if they had put them into the basement they wouldn't be filthy and needed cleaning. Sigh....I'm just so tired of it all.

He very rarely helps out around the house. Sometimes he'll do laundry....either just his or some of mine too. Never the kids. But, this is him doing the laundry...bring it down to the washer, put it in the washer, put it in the dryer and possibly bring it up to lving room. He doesn't fold it or put it away. I fold it and lug it upstairs to our room. I put mine away right away. I don't touch his anymore. It stays in the laundry basket because his drawers are a mess and I can't fit it anywhere. We have to go without a dirty clothes basket/hamper until he either puts it away or puts it on top of his dresser or on the floor by his side of the bed. It's pathetic. It rarely makes it into a drawer or the closet. He also, shoves clothes under the bed. This is something he started after my parents moved in with us before and he still hasn't broken this nasty habit. Besides laundry he'll occassionally do the dishes. We have a non-working dishwasher that he refuses to replace. I'd rather have a dishwasher than a car. Haha! When he does do them he washes them half ass in lukewarm water. I have to go back and rewash him when he's not around. He sometimes will take the garbage out but it's mostly myself or my son. My son gives me hell but will do it because of my shoulder/neck. I've tried to get him to at least clean the bathroom once a week. Is that unrealistic or too much to ask? One room...not a big one. He's done it maybe 6 times since we moved and by doing it I mean maybe the floor and toilet. I want him to scrub the tub, sweep and mop the floor, clean the toilet, counter and mirror. That's a half hour tops. Geez Louise! And nope, he just ignores me. Hmmmm....and he wonders why I get upset and act bitchy sometimes.

It doesn't help that everything's a fight to get anything done, as far as fixing, in this house. It took him close to 3 months to fix the downstaris toilet. All it needed was a new chain but on inside the tank. I refussed to fix it because he told me he'd do it. What made it bad was he turned off the water to the toilet so no one could use it (because it would run) and then he'd go take a shower and lock the door so no one could come in and use the bathroom. Not cool. One time my daughter almost wet her pants. Thing is, he never tells anyone he's going to shower so they should use the bathroom before he goes in and then he's in their for at least a half hour to 45 minutes. He finally fixed it after we had a huge arguement when my daughter stood outside the bathroom door in tears at 10 o'clock at night because she had to go so bad. Our pipes for our tub has been bad since we moved in. At one point (after a year!) my dad helped him replace the one curved part. It seemed to help for awhile. But now the tub water doesn't want to go down, it drains very slow as if we're taking baths instead of showers and it leaks onto the basement stairs. He tells me he'll get to it but it's been almost another year and it's still the same. Last spring he got mad and put a hole in my daughter's bedroom wall because he was angry with me. It took him almost a month to patch the hole and I think he only did it because my poor daughter was having nightmares. I had tried to put a poster over it but she knew it was there. He still hasn't sanded it down and painted over it...still procrastinating. I'll go months without mentioning it but when I do he tells me to get off his ass. How am I on his ass?! I haven't said anything about it in a while. Thing is, I'll either have to piss him off to do it or do it myself. What kind of relationship is this? No one should have to be guilted or angered into doing something and I don't want to be that way. it always becomes my fault. Take the van he got me. It was truly a wonderful, thoughtful gift. I appreciate it so much. But, he even said, I'm sorry I'm never home and when I am I don't help out. I'd rather take his help any day than the van. I'd rather he be home, supporting and helping me. I don't think he gets that. Today he even said that he gets me the van and why can't I back off. So, I guess he expects that buying the van gives him a free pass to do nothing. I want to cry. I just need him here as my husband, my friend and my partner. Screw the damn van.

I was hopoing venting would help me feel better but it's not. I'm all the more upset and wound up. I feel like I'm a bitch because I expect and want helpl. He makes me feel like I'm not doing my "job" if I need/want his help around the house. I want this to be our home, not our house. He doesn't get it. I guess I need to come to the realization he never will. Sigh...I feel so defeated and lost. Am I a bad wife to want, need and expect help around the house from my husband and kids?



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I just feel done, done, done right now. I feel helpless and lost. I'm sure I'll feel better later. I just wish my family would open their eyes and appreciate all I do for them. I guess that sounds ungrateful and self indulgent on my part. I expect too much sometimes. This sucks! I love my family so very much and just want to enjoy them. I want to throw adult responsibilities to the air and just love life. Deep breathes....

I hope those of you reading this will be non-judgemental and just try to understand where I'm coming from. I also hope their are kindred spirits out there that understand how I feel and why I feel this way. I know I'm not all right nor all wrong. I just need a shoulder and some support. I wish I could get it from my husband now. He may say sorry later, i don't know. Sometimes he does, as this is not a new problem between us. But, when does it stop being I'm sorry and become supportive? Good question and I have no answer.