Don't suffer in Silence

Why do we always suffer quietly around friends and sometimes close loved ones? Do we not want to be a burden? Do we not want to show weakness? Does other peoples compassion make us uncomfortable? Are we embarrassed? Worried someone will judge us or get the wrong idea of what's going on?
Stop getting in your loved ones head. Stop feeling insecure and questioning yourself. LEAN on your support system. That's why they are there....to be there for you like you're there for them. DON'T continue to suffer in silence.
*Sit them down
*Make them aware of your situation
*Let them know what YOU need
*Let them know you need and appreciate them
*Make it clear, if needed, you need support, compassion, understanding. Not judgement.

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Coping with Daily Life

Saturday started off as a great day.  Hubby was home from his out of town job interview and I was snuggled in his arms.  We got to sleep in since Goalie Boy's hockey game wasn't until 10:30.  It was simply wonderful. 
We hadn't been back to the rink since my son's coach emailed us the Friday before to let us know the rink would be closing in a few short weeks.  All the emotions hit me walking into the rink.  I felt overwhelmed by them.  It feels so silly feeling so strongly about a building, but I do.  As I've said before, it's been my son's saving grace.  I see my son in the light I rarely get to see him in at home.  I see him enthusiastic, positive and so much more.  I felt like a weight was pressing down on me because I worry so about losing this part of my son.  I don't know why, but I worry about him becoming a sullen, negative child.  I think it's because he is often hard on himself.  I know we are going to find another place for him to play but I know we have many hurdles to jump over first.  We are struggling financially but we've vowed to make this work for him.  We need to find some place within reasonable driving distance (no place is closer than an hour) due to school and the cost of gas.  We need a team that will have a spot for him, as many tryouts for the fall season have already taken place.  We need someplace that he fits in and has a supportive coaching staff.  And finally, someplace that will work with our finances.  We have all that where we are now and I have faith that we will find all that again.
I try to stay positive but as a planner I need to see the whole picture and work things out from all possible angles.  The last few years have been a struggle.  The last 5 months really tough.  I continue to fight. I'm dealing various (mild/moderate) health issues, financial issues, unemployment, my son's hearing and struggling in schools, my husband interviewing for a new job, the rink closing, worker's comp payments (temporarily?) suspended, reapplying for unemployment and so much more.  The unemployment and financial issues are a dark, heavy cloud over my head pressing me down.
Just a few weeks ago I had my latest comp hearing where my payments we suspended.  My doctors and comp drs can't agree on whether or not I have a minor disability.  I've been searching for a job to no avail.  Last week I called in to claim my weekly unemployment only to be told that it was my final week to claim and I'd have to reapply.  This after I received a letter stating I had been approved for 14 more weeks and would not need to reapply.  So, here I am without any means of income.  It will be at least 6-8 months before a judge decides my comp case.  My husband is struggling to pay the mortgage and other bills I've been helping with.  I don't know what we'll be doing next month.  There's no one to help us.  My husband starts a part time evening job making minimum wage this week.  I feel horrible that he has to work all the harder because I can't find anything.  He works so much now.  I worry about him.  I worry about us.
My husband was gone part of last week for a job interview out of state.  We're keeping our fingers crossed that something comes from it.  He got a call today that he's made it to the final stage of the interview process. We're trying to keep it in perspective and not get too excited.  You get too high and it's a long way crashing down.  The wonderful thing is getting the job will give him a raise, a company car and an expense account.  The scary thing is hubby will have to commute at least an hour and a half each way until we find a place to live.  We have to figure out what to do with our house....it's a two family and my parents live on the other half.  Do we rent it out?  I can't imagine selling.  We've only lived here 3 years (in July).  Then we have to house hunt (renting to start, I'm sure), find the right school (one that can help my son) and look into a rink.  The good news is, the area I think we'll be living in, will have a number of hockey programs to choose from.  Moving will  be the best thing for us all.  We need a new start.  We need to leave this area, break away from my parents (we support them way more than they realize or will admit) and school district.  It's going to be hard though.  We've planted roots here.  I'm sad, yet realistic that it's for the best.
So, walking into that rink Saturday just brought a lot of deep emotions to the surface.  I keep tamping them down but they continue to rise up.  The good news for Saturday is my son played an amazing game and got a SHUTOUT!  I'm so very proud of him.  He's working so hard and focusing.  I was able to shrug off the anxiety rising up.  After the game my hubby and son went with friends of ours to a Nascar race.  I'm grateful to hubby's friend because he is selfless.  He gets the tickets from his job and uses the business points he earns for the hotel.  It's a nice treat when we're watching every penny.
I took my daughter out to lunch as a treat.  That's when the anxiety hit me.  Out of nowhere.  My heart was racing and I couldn't focus my thoughts.  I blamed it on the coffee I had drank earlier and the fact that we we're having such a late lunch.  After eating, the feeling s subsided some so I convinced myself that it was only a jittery, caffeine rush.
Too bad I know that's not the case now.  I picked my son up from school today and was fine.  A little while later we left and got my daughter from girl scouts.  Not long after walking into the house that scary, jittery feeling hit me again. I couldn't control it, couldn't like it away.  My mind was racing, my heart pounding.  I don't even know what set it off.  I have to admit it for what it's for Anxiety.  I think I'm overwhelmed by everything going on and the new changes on the horizon. I'm afraid we'll lose everything.
My doctor gave me a script for a medicine last year for anxiety when I was a bit overwhelmed with everything going on.  I didn't even tell her.  She took one look at me and knew.  She had to convince me it was worth a try to see if it helped.  It did to an extent.  I only took it a few times so I really didn't give it a chance to work to it's full potential.  I think what helped at the time is I found out I was able to start collecting partial unemployment and that took a bit of a load off.  Now, it's here again.  So I called the pharmacy to find out if the script was still valid.  It wasn't but they called the doctor and got a new one.  I'm so grateful.  I'm going to start it tonight even though I hate taking meds.  I need something right now to keep me centered.  I need to be here for my family.  I found that earlier, it was a struggle to keep it together when the kids were going at it over something trivial.  I can't do that to my kids or myself.  I'm hoping it will help get me on the right track. 
Hubby didn't quite understand at first when I told him I was getting an anxiety med from the doctor.  He asked why.  I told him it was because I was just overwhelmed emotionally by everything going on and felt like life was spinning out of control.  Unfortunately, at first, he made a flip comment about it sounding like "life".  I was so hurt and upset.  I hung up the phone with him before I started to cry.  He gave me a few minutes and then explained that he didn't me it the way it sounded.  He meant that, life is always crazy and out of control for us.  He was supportive and for that I appreciate it.  I hated admitting I had a problem coping with what life's throwing at me...I almost felt like a failure.  I know I'm not and I know it's ok to look for help.
So, now I'm coping with more support and not lost in my own head feeling like there's something wrong with me.

Bullying through my eyes

Earlier this week I was privileged to participate on a Twitter chat (#ptchat) concerning bullying. The chat focused on girl bullies. Bullying is a topic extremely close to my heart. I was bullied as a child from fourth to twelfth grade. I will not tolerate bullying in my children or others. I think I'm going to make this an ongoing topic in my blog.
This post will touch upon my bullying experiences. I was a shy, introverted child. My father worked long hours and my mother was a housewife. I got along well with my peers as most kids do in the early years of school.
In fourth grade my school district took its third elementary school and divided the students between the two remaining schools. My tormentor came from this school. I was a tiny child, one of the smallest in that grade. Believe it or not, this girl was smaller than me. Looking back I believe she picked on me to raise herself up and put herself into a power position. Bullying can be about self esteem/self image.  She wasn't confident in herself because of her height and this was her compensation mechanism. Sad, but true I believe.
A lot of my memories are muddled with time and the need to forget the painful details. This girl was just mean. Plain and simple. I didn't provoke her. We had no shared history. Life was hard enough as it was because my family was struggling financially and my mom rarely left the house. I was not active in any activities because my dad was never home and my mom full of excuses.
One clear memory is of this girl approaching me in the bathroom during fourth grade. It was one of those times before/after lunch where the whole class lines up and walks together to go. She got in my face and threatened to beat me up. No provocation at all. I remember trembling and trying not to cry. I was terrified by this pint size bitch. No one stepped in on my behalf. I honestly don't recall how many girls witnessed this. It may have just been the two of us.  I've obviously blocked it. I wish I had the strength to stand up for myself or tell the teacher. My teacher wasn't really the approachable type, so the idea barely crossed my mind.
Over the years it progressed from there. It wasn't always that girl. It was other girls that got pleasure from taunting a shy child that was awkward in her own skin. The boys joined in too. I was called names, snickered at and made fun of in so many ways. Thank goodness I was never physically hurt. I was hurt mentally and emotionally which is just as bad. I'm glad details have faded because I learned to move past it. It didn't help that my mom was socially awkward.  I had no one to guide me into womanhood.  I learned on my own how to do my hair, make up and try to take care of my acne ridden face.  My parents didn't consider buying me any special skin products or take me to a dermatologist.  That opened me to more bullying and my self confidence was already low.  I started wearing glasses in fifth grade.  There was no such thing as thinner lens then.  Mine were extremely thick and I had the ugliest plastic frames.  My self image was zero.
I try to focus on the positive now that I'm older.  There was some good that came from this though it took years to develop.  I was struggling in school until half way through fifth grade. I started focusing on school work since I had to social life. My overall grades went up and I became a much better reader.
I had neighborhood kids that would play with me some days after school but would not hesitate to cut me down in school. It made then feel cool, I'm sure. We moved between sixth and seventh grade. I didn't change middle schools but I did move to a new neighborhood, a few houses from an acquaintance. We became good friends and I slowly allowed myself to open enough to become close friends with two other girls. These three girls gave me strength and confidence. I came out of my shell around them. I became a leader, even if it was only in our small group. Though I was still bullied daily these girls helped change my life. In essence, they saved me.
There were definitely moments where I hated my life. I would cry and rally to God asking him why me. I had dark, depressive days. I thought about ending it all some days because the mental, emotional pain was more than I thought I could bear. But, I found reasons to keep going. My tight knit group of friends gave me that. I was a different person in school than I was at home. They saved my life because I never went further than thinking of ending it. I never acted. I found positive things to focus on and get through those dreadfully bleak hours.
Parents, please keep an open dialogue with your children. They may not always want to talk but they will know you are there. Listen and try not to judge. Don't always offer advice. Sometimes that's not what they need. Be supportive. Look for changes in behavior, even if it's minor. Make your presence known in school. Be a positive influence. Teachers and other parents are more likely to approach you if you make yourself available. Be nice and supportive of their friends. They may come to you in confidence if they think something is wrong with your child. You set the tone. You're the adult. Be aware of those who negatively influence your child. Handle them accordingly without banning them from your child's life. If you do, you child will find ways to defy you. Sometimes it's about subtly. Be subtle and your child will eventually see that negative influence themselves.
Be there. Listen. Support. Help stop bullying.

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