How to communicate with your kids

I know this is said all the time but I feel the need to repeat it....keep the lines of communication open with your children.  This is so important.  If you start when they are young, it will be easier in most cases.  I have open discussions with my children about almost everything.  Learn your child's triggers....what they will and won't open up about.  Know the signs that they are internalizing something.  I know it's easier said and done and I know you're child will never truly be open with you about everything.  They do need their privacy as they get older but they should be able to realize what they need to share with you versus what you would like them to share with you.
One important thing I learned last year is that parents do not talk to their younger children about certain things because they think they are too young.  Too young to understand, too young to "tell" or too young for something to happen to them?  All of the above have been given to me for reasons on why they did not discuss certain things with their child.
I have openly discussed many things with my children since they were 3.  This is an age where they are becoming more independent, more social and more curious.  At this point my children were also enrolled in preschool so I knew I had to talk with them because they would have me to supervise them 24/7.  Here are a few things I think you need to speak with your child about at this age:
1. Stranger Danger
2. Inappropriate touching
3. Seeing or hearing things that don't seem right

Let me explain. 
***Stranger Danger is very important for children to know.  There are children who are very welcoming to new people and need to be taught that not every new face is a friend.  My daughter, while shy when meeting new people, had trouble "getting" this one.  We would role play scenarios.  The one we always had a problem with was, "What would you do if someone asked you if you wanted to look at his dog/cat/bunny/etc and it was in his car?".  My daughter would always answer,"Where?! I want to see it!".  Wrong answer. We explained to them that if you didn't know someone you should always find mommy or daddy (someone you know).  You should never talk to a stranger if your mommy or daddy are not with you.  We would discuss that it is important that if you need help then it's ok to talk to a stranger (I know this is hard for them to understand at times).  I make sure they know that if they are in any kind it's ok to go with a police officer or fire person.  I know that sometimes this could be a mistake, but overall it's the right choice.
This advice has gotten my children out of questionable situations more than once.  First time, there was a strange van parked by the end of our long driveway at the end of our dead end street.  My stepdaughter and son were just taking a walk to the end of the drive.  There was a suspicious looking man in the van just watching them.  My stepdaughter said he made her feel very uncomfortable and my son (who was about 5 at the time) said something didn't feel right.  They instinctively knew how to react and came right back to the house.  The van was gone when I went down to check it out. 
Just last Easter a man approached my son at my dad's church's Easter egg hunt.  He just walked up to him, leaned in close to whisper that he liked his haircut.  Weird and so very wrong, right?  Thank goodness someone saw it and told the minister.  It was chaotic out there and only one person noticed it.  The stranger walked off without a care in the world.  No one in the congregation knew who he was.  To this day we don't know if he was a visitor or if he just ambled off the streets.  Scary because who approaches a child that way.

***Inappropriate touching.   I spoke to my children about this at age 3.  Yes, you read that right, age 3.  We discussed privacy even before that.  My children know that no one is ever to see the without their clothes fully on except mommy, daddy or a medical person.  If it's a medical person mommy or daddy will be with them.  No one is ever to touch them in what we call their private sports.  I explained to them that private means something for their eyes only.  It is to be covered because it is for them alone to see.  Obviously, as they get older, we will discuss sex and such.  I've spoken started to ease the way for that conversation with my son but will let my husband handle the more delicate things that is best said between men.  I am very passionate about this subject.  I have family that was abused as children and I will not allow it to happen to my children.  They understand.  I will explain this more in seeing/hearing things that don't seem right. 
Talking about this openly with my children has paid off.  Last year my daughter was eating lunch in the school cafeteria.  She was laughing and having fun with all her friends.  Well, one friend wasn't happy that she wasn't paying him enough attention.  He went under the table and grabbed her private area really hard.  Not only did it hurt but she was mortified.  She knew what he did wasn't right.  She didn't want to get him in trouble but she did the right thing and told the cafeteria aid.  I'm very proud of her.  I know the boy was only 5/6 but he needed to learn you can't touch someone like that.  The school handled it very well and took action to educate and punish.  You have to deal with inappropriate behaviors swiftly and with consequences or a child will continue them.

***Seeing/hearing something that doesn't seem right.  A basic lesson for all kids should be that if something doesn't seem right it probably isn't and you should speak with an adult immediately.  I have given my children guidelines and they know the difference between something that isn't right and tattling.  Yes, it backfires sometimes but better safe than sorry.  I have told my kids that if they are ever threatened by another person (child, adult, I don't care who) they are to get out of the situation and tell me or daddy immediately.  If we are not available they are to tell a trusted adult.  I was very clear in my wording that people will tell them that they were hurt or kill them or their family if they tell.  I told them to agree never to tell if necessary to get out of the situation and then to tell.  Never, never keep it from us.  I told them that once they are with us they are safe and the person threatening them has no power.  There will be know hurting or killing, though I may want to once I find out.  My children have seen how passionate I feel about this.  They need to know I am like a mama lion and will hurt anyone who tries to harm them.
My daughter seems a magnet for these things.  My poor, sweet child.  Just last week one of her friends kept peeking under the bathroom stall at school.  This is most definitely something that doesn't seem right.  Especially after we've discussed privacy rules and how to handle situations. My daughter asked her to stop  several times.  Finally, she was left no choice but to tell her teacher.  In my book, it doesn't matter who is looking under a bathroom stall...it is wrong period.
My son has had some issues too.  First, earlier this year in the school bathroom.  (These places are a danger zone for kids.)  Him and another friend went to use the bathroom.  A kid from another class, same grade was in there.  He threatened to beat them up.  My son knew that he had to tell the teacher and did so.  Just this week, a student in his class was talking trash about him to my daughter during an assembly.  Saying all sorts of nasty stuff.  It's not the first time but we tried turn the other cheek.  I'm done with that.  It's bullying plain and simple.  This child put my daughter into the mix and that was the end of that.  A note went to school with details and the teacher called me.  It was very helpful another classmate overheard and told my son what was going on.  I heard it from them both at the dinner table.  Story was confirmed as true and now the school is dealing with it.  Kudos for my kids for standing up for themselves and one another.
And finally, the big one that happened this weekend.  My daughter went to a friend's house after school Friday.  She's been there many times without an incidents.  She was supposed to be home at 6:30 but the mom sent me a text and asked if she could go with them to her sister in laws house because the girls were having such a great time.  I thought nothing of it and said ok.  I thought it was the sister in law I had met before and who's daughter's my daughter gets along with great.  I learned a lesson there...verify where your child is going.  Still, I know the mom is very vigilant and responsible when it comes to my daughter.  She treats her like her own.  When my daughter got out of the car it seemed like all was good.  I found out differently minutes after we came inside.  She told me how her friend's older brother (he's 12) and the cousin (girl 11) were watching something inappropriate on tv.  I had her go through the whole story.  The older kids were in the parents bedroom watching the Lady Gaga concert.  The girls were sneaking in to spy on them.  Typical kid things.  The first time they were chased out something was on the screen that was partially blacked out.  I've never seen it so I'm not sure which scene this is.  Both girls saw that before they were told to leave.  Then they snuck back.  Only my daughter saw the tv this time, her friend was behind her.  They must have switched channels and my daughter saw a woman going down on a man.  It was obvious on how she explained it.  No 6 year old can make something like that up.  She said a woman was kissing and licking a man's pee pee.  And it was disgusting, she said.  She knew it was something she shouldn't see.  I guess the cousin told her not to tell or she'd be in trouble.  We still haven't sorted that whole part out.  I'm so glad she listened to me and came to me with it.  I believe my response showed her that she can always come to me and I will take care of it.  Nothing bad will happen to her or me.  I'm so proud of her because I know she was uncomfortable, worried and scared, but she did the RIGHT thing.  I spoke with the friend's mom and she was horrified.  She handled it and I know it's not her fault or something that goes on in her house.  We all learned a tough lesson that day.  I'm thankful that my daughter doesn't seem scarred from the experience.  I'm thankful my husband took it well when I told him and didn't rip someone's head off.  I'm glad the mother listened and took action.

In the end the message is always the same...talk to your children about these tough subjects.  They need to be prepared on how to react if and when something like these incidents come up.  Trust me, they will be in one of these unfortunate positions at some point in their lives.  Give them the tools to respond properly to them.  When the grabbing incident happened to my daughter I was horrified that most of my friends told me they had never even thought to talk to their children about this.  I'm saddened by this.  The earlier they know the better.  There are so many children being abused in different ways and it's usually by someone they know.  Trust me, I know this to be true.  Please speak with your children.  It can cause you and, most importantly, them a lot of heartache.

Bullying through my eyes

Earlier this week I was privileged to participate on a Twitter chat (#ptchat) concerning bullying. The chat focused on girl bullies. Bullying is a topic extremely close to my heart. I was bullied as a child from fourth to twelfth grade. I will not tolerate bullying in my children or others. I think I'm going to make this an ongoing topic in my blog.
This post will touch upon my bullying experiences. I was a shy, introverted child. My father worked long hours and my mother was a housewife. I got along well with my peers as most kids do in the early years of school.
In fourth grade my school district took its third elementary school and divided the students between the two remaining schools. My tormentor came from this school. I was a tiny child, one of the smallest in that grade. Believe it or not, this girl was smaller than me. Looking back I believe she picked on me to raise herself up and put herself into a power position. Bullying can be about self esteem/self image.  She wasn't confident in herself because of her height and this was her compensation mechanism. Sad, but true I believe.
A lot of my memories are muddled with time and the need to forget the painful details. This girl was just mean. Plain and simple. I didn't provoke her. We had no shared history. Life was hard enough as it was because my family was struggling financially and my mom rarely left the house. I was not active in any activities because my dad was never home and my mom full of excuses.
One clear memory is of this girl approaching me in the bathroom during fourth grade. It was one of those times before/after lunch where the whole class lines up and walks together to go. She got in my face and threatened to beat me up. No provocation at all. I remember trembling and trying not to cry. I was terrified by this pint size bitch. No one stepped in on my behalf. I honestly don't recall how many girls witnessed this. It may have just been the two of us.  I've obviously blocked it. I wish I had the strength to stand up for myself or tell the teacher. My teacher wasn't really the approachable type, so the idea barely crossed my mind.
Over the years it progressed from there. It wasn't always that girl. It was other girls that got pleasure from taunting a shy child that was awkward in her own skin. The boys joined in too. I was called names, snickered at and made fun of in so many ways. Thank goodness I was never physically hurt. I was hurt mentally and emotionally which is just as bad. I'm glad details have faded because I learned to move past it. It didn't help that my mom was socially awkward.  I had no one to guide me into womanhood.  I learned on my own how to do my hair, make up and try to take care of my acne ridden face.  My parents didn't consider buying me any special skin products or take me to a dermatologist.  That opened me to more bullying and my self confidence was already low.  I started wearing glasses in fifth grade.  There was no such thing as thinner lens then.  Mine were extremely thick and I had the ugliest plastic frames.  My self image was zero.
I try to focus on the positive now that I'm older.  There was some good that came from this though it took years to develop.  I was struggling in school until half way through fifth grade. I started focusing on school work since I had to social life. My overall grades went up and I became a much better reader.
I had neighborhood kids that would play with me some days after school but would not hesitate to cut me down in school. It made then feel cool, I'm sure. We moved between sixth and seventh grade. I didn't change middle schools but I did move to a new neighborhood, a few houses from an acquaintance. We became good friends and I slowly allowed myself to open enough to become close friends with two other girls. These three girls gave me strength and confidence. I came out of my shell around them. I became a leader, even if it was only in our small group. Though I was still bullied daily these girls helped change my life. In essence, they saved me.
There were definitely moments where I hated my life. I would cry and rally to God asking him why me. I had dark, depressive days. I thought about ending it all some days because the mental, emotional pain was more than I thought I could bear. But, I found reasons to keep going. My tight knit group of friends gave me that. I was a different person in school than I was at home. They saved my life because I never went further than thinking of ending it. I never acted. I found positive things to focus on and get through those dreadfully bleak hours.
Parents, please keep an open dialogue with your children. They may not always want to talk but they will know you are there. Listen and try not to judge. Don't always offer advice. Sometimes that's not what they need. Be supportive. Look for changes in behavior, even if it's minor. Make your presence known in school. Be a positive influence. Teachers and other parents are more likely to approach you if you make yourself available. Be nice and supportive of their friends. They may come to you in confidence if they think something is wrong with your child. You set the tone. You're the adult. Be aware of those who negatively influence your child. Handle them accordingly without banning them from your child's life. If you do, you child will find ways to defy you. Sometimes it's about subtly. Be subtle and your child will eventually see that negative influence themselves.
Be there. Listen. Support. Help stop bullying.

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