Thankful Thursday May 23rd

Sorry I haven’t been posting as I had planned.  We’ve hit the end of the school year rush a bit early.  Back in NY school goes into late June.  Here its done the first week in June.  To top that off we had Mother’s Day and our Anniversary just days apart.  We celebrated 11 years of marriage on May 16th.  Well, actually we celebrated on the 15th because my man had a mandatory late work day on the 16th.  I’m very thankful we got to spend a few hours relaxing and reconnecting while enjoying a fabulous anniversary dinner.

This Thursday I am thankful for so much in my life.  Here are just a few things:

 

• My husband for being a hard worker.  Though his hours are much better he does have a long daily commute and spends time away from us occasionally.  This week he’s been away since Tuesday and will be getting home late tonight.  I can’t wait to welcome him back home!

 

• My children for their perseverance.  This week is end of the year testing at school.  Both my children have been doing great at home and at school.  The education system puts a lot of pressure on kids.  I’m proud at how hard mine have worked.  I’ve told them to take their time and do their best.  That’s all anyone can ask.  I made it a point of saying that these test scores don’t matter, their effort is what counts.  I’ve told them each morning and at pickup how proud I am of them.  I don’t want them to fear these tests and stress over them to the point of getting ill.  They’ve been really good especially with daddy gone.  When daddy’s out of town or they’re stressed/worried about something they usually act out and I come close to losing my mind.  I’m thankful to say, not this week.  They haven’t been arguing with each other much, listening to me better and taking their time through the tests.  I’m so proud they are doing their best, especially my daughter as its her first year testing and she’s been a bit nervous.  Her teacher gave her a hug yesterday and told her how proud she was of her.  She even wrote me a note saying that she took her time and did her best.  It made both our days.  Proud mommy here!

 

• My yard.  Yes, you read that right, I’m thankful for my yard!  Our old house had a very tiny back yard and no front yard.  Here my kids are able to run around and enjoy the outside to its fullest. My son plays hockey in the driveway, my daughter rides her bike up and down the driveway and around the cul-de-sac.  They play soccer, baseball and chase on the lawn and climb one of the trees in the front yard.  Its what I grew up with (minus the cul-de-sac) and I’m glad we were able to rent something with a large yard for them to enjoy.  Plus I just put in some flowers to pretty up the front of the house.  Love our home!

 

• Finally, I’m thankful for the few unscheduled hours I have during the school day.  Lately, I’ve given myself “permission” to sit down a bit, relax and read.  I’ve actually read 4 books in the last few weeks and that’s been unheard of this year.  I appreciate some me time.  Its rare even when the kids are at school and the hubby is working.  I’m learning to embrace it especially since school ends in a 2 short weeks.  However, I’m looking forward to a fun filled summer exploring Carolina with my kids!  The weekends where hubby’s free too will be extra special!

 

Heading outside to enjoy my book while listening to the gentle breeze blow through the trees and the birds chirping.  Enjoy your day and the holiday weekend!  And don’t forget to share what your thankful for today!  Happy Thankful Thursday ya’ll!

New Addition

Welcome Jason, the soccer playing koala, to our family!  Little Bee got a Build-A-Bear gift card from her older sis and was so excited to finally go on mommy/daughter shopping day. 

First we went to get Little Bee's hair cut because her curls had turned to dreaded frizz at the ends. Just a few inches. Nothing drastic for us in the hair department. 

Then a quick lunch in the food court before heading to get her new friend. It was love at first sight.  She knew she wanted a boy and she was so excited to find him a  soccer uniform. It was calling her name.  She decided that Jason plays soccer just like her.  The uniform has pants, shirt and knee pads. We bought him a pair of cleats too.

The store's staff is so wonderful there!  I admit I teared up as the girl at the "stuffing" machine talked to my little girl. She was sweet and caring. She asked if it was a boy or girl and what his name was. She saw the soccer outfit and asked Bee if she played. It was a great experience. I love the part where you pick out your animals heart and the special routine they do before placing it inside. Melted my heart. Happy memories are written all over this place. The cashier was wonderful too. She talked soccer with Bee while she rang her up and then took all the tags off the clothes so we could dress him at the counter.

It was a wonderful experience from beginning to end. I plan on writing the company a letter about the amazing staff there.  Unfortunately it's unusual to have such a positive shipping experience all the way through.  They deserve major  kudos.

Thank you Build-A-Bear for making my daughter's experience one for the memory books.

****I was not compensated by Build-A-Bear Workshop for this post. We had a wonderful experience I wanted to share with everyone.

9/11 We Will Always Remember-10 Years Later

I sit here with my personal reflections of that tragic day in U.S. history.  My heart races, my eyes fill with tears and I feel hollow from all the senseless, tragic loss. 

My children are now at the age they are asking questions about 9/11.  It is a difficult discussion for me to have with them. 

How do you explain hatred?  Senseless tragedy and death?

I explained it to them as openly and honestly as I could.  I don't want them to be scared of terrorism.  I don't want them to fear living in the land of the free.  I want them to know this is truly the land of the brave.

We became a stronger country after what we went through 10 years ago.  We may have our struggles but we will not quit and never give up.  We are fighters and will continue to do so.

I shared some of my memories of that fateful day.  I will share them with you.

I was living in Lyndhurst, NJ at the time.  Thirteen miles from the World Trade Centers.

I was at work in Paramus that fateful morning.  I still remember being told the news.  We all stood around in shocked silence.  We listened to the radio and heard when the second tower was hit.  We heard about the towers falling.  Then the plane crashed in a Pennsylvania field.  We were told to go home. Many of my co-workers had friends and family that worked or lived near the Trade Centers.

I couldn't leave fast enough.

My husband (fiancee at the time) and I had just moved to the area from Western New York four months prior.  We were strangers in a strange land.  We knew no one.  We were still getting familiar with the area.  I tried to reach him on the phone but all the lines were busy...land and cell.

I remember driving down a normally jam packed route 17 and it was deserted.  No cars in sight.  It was eerie and I was scared.  In my 27 years I had never been so terrified.  I wondered what was going to happen next.

In the distance I could see the dark, black smoke billowing up from the city skyline.  It was horrifying.  I drove with tears streaming down my face.  I was shaking.  I felt lost and uncertain.

I made it home in record time and walked like a zombie into our first floor apartment in a two story house.  I locked the door,  grabbed the home phone and turned on the television.  I alternated trying to reach my husband's cell, his work phone and my mom.   I used both phones.  Nothing.  Just a constant busy signal mocking me and my fears.  I took turns pacing the floor and rocking myself on the couch.  I felt exposed and so alone.

A plane screamed overhead.  I shuttered and thought a bomb was going to drop.The whole house shook. Later, I realized it must have been a military plane heading into the city.

When I was finally able to reach my mom on the phone we cried together.  She had been in a panic thinking we had been in the city that day.  About once a week we were traveling into the city for job interviews for my husband.  I am so grateful that this was not the case that day.

My husbands boss wouldn't let his employees leave.  I still shake my head in amazement of his callousness.  That was a day to be near your loved ones and hold them tightly.  When he finally walked in the door I threw myself into his arms sobbing, so relieved to have him home with me.

My heart was (and is still) broken for everyone who lost loved ones that day.  Hatred is a scary beast.  I pray that one day peace can reign in our world. I fear it's just a dream out of reach in reality.

However, as I share my memories of that tragic day with my children I am determined to pass on hope for a better tomorrow.  I remind them that we our strong.  I tell them how much I love and cherish them.  I hold them tightly glad that we have one another.

Summertime is Ending

***Summertime***

Park       

            Picnics 

                   Beach

Playdates
                                 Long Walks

                                                                                                                                               Movies

                                                 Popcorn

Laughter

                                                  Fun

                     Sunshine

                                                                                             BBQ


Summer School


                                                              Lake

                                                             Shore


Summer Nights

                              Ocean


         Fireflies

                             Boats

      Water

                                                                           Rain


                               Happiness

           Fun


Sleepovers

                     Family

                                  Hiking

           Swimming


                         Fire pit

   Marshmallows


                    Music

                                                         Laughter

         Hot dogs

Hamburgers

                                               Fireworks


                               Fourth of July
         Hockey


                                       Gymnastics

Swimsuits

                                                             Dock

                           Swimming Pool

   Joy

                      Love
Family

~Childhood Memories~

Sad Goodbyes

I haven't blogged much in the past two weeks. First I was on vacation and most of my posts were written the week before and scheduled over the next 10 days with a few awesome guest posts included. Then I got caught up in the post vacation fury of unpacking, laundry and attempting to retake control of some semblance of order. Then all hell broke lose in my little corner of the world.

It started with an earthquake and ended with a hurricane (downgraded to a tropical storm) with a smattering of tornado warnings thrown in. Good news is we're ok here.

I have lots of blog fodder for weeks to come about the last 2 weeks. However, I can't bring myself to write about that right now.

Tonight I am sad. Heart broken. My whole family is sad. Why you may ask. It's not because of Hurricane Irene, though she did a number to our community and those surrounding us. No, its because of life changes. A big one is the start of the new school year next week. I plan to pour my heart out about that in the next few days. Tonight, my heart is heaviest because we dropped my stepdaughter off at her mom's earlier.

As many of you know, she spent the month of August with us. This is a first in the 10 years she's been in my life. I haven't blogged about anything about it besides the fact she would be with us and how excited I was. I wanted to enjoy and absorb the whole experience with open eyes and heart.

At 17 she can be (as she proclaimed) a teenage drama queen. There were definitely moments of that. They make me fear my kids teenage years. There were moments where I wanted to say, what the hell are you thinking?! Such a moment....the night Irene was hitting, she actually asked to sleep over a friends house. No way! We want you with us. I don't know what her friend's mom was smoking to even consider having friends over. Maybe I'm the crazy mom. Who knows. All I do knows is the basement in her friend's house flooded and the fire department had to come pump it out.

All those moments were minor and typical of an average family with a teenager. She frustrated me and made me want to cry.  A few times I did actually, and I then vented a time or two on Twitter about oblivious teenagers (or something like that). Sometimes I felt things too personally because that's how I am. I usually feel better when I get it out and have someone to commiserate with or who will offer me insight and guidance.

However, I wouldn't have changed a moment. I think the ups and downs brought us all closer together as a family. I think she sees us more as family, if that makes sense. It's tightened our bond.

We had a wonderful August.  Lots of fun and laughter.  We had picnics, movie and game nights, late night chats and long trips to the new ice complex my son is playing hockey at.  Every memory brings a smile.  Even the ones that drove me nuts or made me question her sanity.  *Laughing*  We never fought though I'm sure if I had been her mother she would've given me a piece of her mind a few times. Though, I feel we've always had a good relationship, I think this month really helped us see the other clearer.

I hated letting her go. I didn't cry but I sure wanted too. The pin pricks of tears were building up but I forced them back. One of a mother's hardest tasks to do sometimes. I didn't want to upset the kids. They were already upset and sad enough. I was amazed to see her eyes red rimmed and tears pouring down her face as I pulled into her mom's driveway. She was so sad to be leaving us. My heart ached for her because I know she was torn in two directions. She was happy to be home but realizing how much she'd miss her home with us.

She hugged everyone tight and told us it was her best August ever. I think we were finally able to bond on a higher family level. I am filled with great joy and sadness.

When we got back home I found a very touch, heartfelt post on my Facebook wall. Only a teen would think to post something so personal and intimate there. I think it was her way of not only telling me, but everyone in our world how much she appreciated her time with us.

Here's what she wrote:

I wanted to say I seriously had the best time this month. I feel like I got so much closer to you and daddy but I feel like I got soooo much closer with the kids, especially B (goalieboy) I don't know why. But thank you so much for dealing with all my diva teenage moments because I know I have them. Tell daddy and the kids I miss them so much. I can't believe the month went by so fast, its not fair. But I love you guys and I'll see you soon.

My son kept saying how much he missed her. Over and over again, all night. It broke my heart. He feels certain things so deeply. This will weigh heavy on him for a long time. I think he almost feels abandoned. l am sobbing now as I type this. They use to be so close when they were younger. I think my daughter felt left out at times. But as my daughter has gotten older they've bonded over girl things in the last few years. And now my son has felt left out. There's no easy balance to it all.

She spent lots of time reading with him, playing Wii with him and just talking with him. I believe he's very open with her about his thoughts and feelings. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to open up to her. He needs that. He has low self esteem at times and he keeps it bottled inside.Sometimes, I see some of a younger her in him. She can reach him at times. It's wonderful for them both. Her words made me tear up more.

I wrote back that it was the best August for us ever. I wish it could last forever. We had our moments but that's what family is all about. I appreciate everything she did to help and support me. I am forever grateful to have her in my life. I love and miss her terribly.

I pray that this month lives on for all of us and is not forgotten or taken for granted. I want to build on it and make our family bond stronger. We were not truly saying goodbye but until next time. I am grateful that it will be in a little less than two short weeks.

In my eyes, family is everything. Hold on to it tightly.

Watching Me

I wanted to get some writing inspiration so I turned to Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop this week. This is my first time joining in so please be gentle.

 I'm loving this prompt....The Police said it best when they said, "Every breath you take/And every move you make/Every bond you break, every step you take/I'll be watching you". Write about a time you believed someone was watching you.

The exact time of this memory is a bit unclear to me.  The details are fuzzy but the feeling of being watched I can still recall clear as day.

I had to be around seven or eight years old at the time.  I believe I was up late on a weekend night hanging out with my family.  It must have been late fall because I remember it being cold outside but no snow was on the ground.  I grew up in Western New York.  So, it couldn't have been wintertime if there wasn't snow or some type of frost on the ground.  I remember the air being crisp where you could see your breath if you breathed out.  I'd say it was fallm  probably just after Halloween. 

I've never really tried to think through this memory past the actual eerie feeling I had.  And being scared to death.  It's interesting to look back now and attempt to decipher the actual details.  Everything now is really an impression of what was.  No concrete details.

I can still hear the television playing quietly in the living room.  For some reason my memory places me in the laundry room of the first house I remember growing up in.  We lived there from the time I was about four until the summer I turned twelve.  It was a single level ranch house.  We had three bedrooms.  Mine was the very small.  My brothers shared a room and slept on bunk beds.  We had a decent size living room with a dinning room coming off the back of it, connecting to a small kitchen and then  a laundry room off the back.

The laundry room was small.  There was a washer and dryer lined up against one wall, the outside entrance across from them.  Next to the door was a folding table under a window.  There was a door between this room and the kitchen. It was between the wall with the washer/dryer and the outside door.

I believe I was in the laundry room because my mom had asked me to lock the back door.  Clear as day I remember walking up to that door.  I looked out the pane glass window in the door.  It was right at my eye level.  I believe there was a sheer curtain over it.  Did I lift the curtain or was I able to see through it?  I'm not quite sure.

I got this eerie feeling of being watched.  As I looked out the window I swear to this day that I saw a face in the window looking back at me.  And I mean close, as in peering in.  I saw no body, just a face.  I don't know who it was.  I don't know if it was just my imagination.  Maybe, I had just finished watching a scary movie. Those details have all faded from my memory.  All I know is I was terrified!  Those eyes stared straight into my soul.  They made me quake in fear.

I didn't scream, though I wanted to.  My instant reaction was to lturn the lock lock on the knob and slowly back away while keeping my eyes glued to the face in the window.  I don't remember ever telling my parents about it.  Maybe I did.  Odd that I can't remember that.I should ask them one of these days and find out. 

Years later, I continue to tell myself it was just a figment of my imagination.  But what if it wasn't?  What if there really was someone in our gated backyard?  My mind can't even wrap itself around that possibility.  The memory haunts me to this very day.

I have had nightmares about it ever since.  At first there were many then slowly over time they have all but gone away.  But, every once in a while I see that face peeking in the window during a cool, pitch black night and I am shaking once again.

Cuddles and Snuggles

The guys are gone for the weekend.  They left with friends yesterday to drive to New Hampshire for the Nascar race; leaving Little Bee and I home alone.  While I miss them, it's been a wonderful girls weekend I will cherish.  Little Bee enjoyed having a friend sleep over last night.  The girls had a dance party, giggled, played baby dolls and so much more.  After a breakfast of blueberry pancakes and some more play time her friend went home for a bit.  She returned later for a few hours of outdoor fun in the pool.

Little Bee and I spent the afternoon together snuggled up watching The Sound of Music.  I love that movie and all the songs in it.  This was the second time we've watched it together.  I cherished the time we had together, munching popcorn and enjoying each other's company.  I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

This evening we ate spaghetti (Little Bee's dinner of choice) while watching the second half of the movie.  I'm amazed that at seven, she is enthralled with it too.  It is a long movie, after all.  We then watched Disney together and celebrated National Ice Cream Day with some yummy ice cream.  I am filing away every minuet detail, as we rarely get this kind of precious one on one time together.

We ended the evening with story time.  She read a Katie Woo book to me and her new Koala.  She is becoming a good reader.  Her confidence level is increasing.  However, I could tell she was getting tired though she'll never admit it because she was starting to have trouble with some easy words.  I pulled her into my lap and she snuggled in while she finished the book.  It was precious. 

The only sad thing about the night, besides it ending, is that I have a hard time snuggling with her in bed.  See, last month she got a bunk bed for her birthday.  (Reminds me...I still need to blog about that whole experience!) Since she is now sleeping on the top bunk it's nearly impossible for me to get up there with her, let alone lay down.  I don't feel the slats can hold all the weight without bowing.  I'm sure they would really be fine but I'm not up to testing out that theory.  I'm going to get a board cut out to fit over the slats and then I'll feel more comfortable being up there.  I don't like heights, but I'll suck it up to be with my Boogie Boo.

I climbed up the ladder after her and carefully perched my butt on the mattress.  She cuddled up into my hip while I sang to her like I did pre-bunk bed.  I always sing You Are My Sunshine because my kids are the light of my life.  No matter what's going on they are what keeps me going.  Then we sang Rain Drops on Roses together.  It's always a favorite.  I always shorten it up because I forget a few lines.  Watching the movie again brought those lines to the forefront so I sang it again with them included.  Little Bee snuggled up close to me, with my arm around her.  My heart melted then, as it melts now in remembrance.  I wish every night could be like this.  I tucked her into bed and gave her many kisses and hugs before slowly making my way back down to the ground.

Tomorrow will probably find our household back into crazy bedtime chaos but that's ok.  It's just the way it is here most of the time.  Both kids vying for attention at the same time and being unable to split myself in two.  I'll always have tonight to remember and cherish.

Bugs, slugs and Ughs!

My daughter, the princess, likes bugs.  Yep, you read that right ugly, creepy, crawly B-U-G-S.  Ick!  I guess I can't say much, because when I was her age I didn't mind bugs either. But still, I swear she is the Queen of Bugs.  I have to laugh though because she's can be a totally girly-girl one moment and a total tomboy the next.  The nice thing about this is she fits easily into both worlds.  I don't have to worry about her being anyone other than who she is.  She has a variety of different "types" of friends because of this and doesn't seem to be judged.  I'm so glad.  I love that she's an individual and doesn't cower (for the most part, yet) to fitting into any types of stereotypes.  She is definitely swayed at times by popular opinion but can hold her own when she chooses to disagree and stand up for what she believes.


My son isn't nearly as into bugs as her.  Sometimes I want to die laughing when she shows him something she's dug up and he's like..."Ewww!  What is that?  Get that thing away from me.  Moooommmm!!!"  I have to laugh because it's such a girlie response.  He kills me. 

Here's a Rolly Poly bug she captured that my son is holding.



She has gotten him intrigued from time to time.  As with the Rolly Poly's.  She has them named.  Seriously, named them.  They are (and I quote) Mr. Snuggles.  Yes, you read that right. She will cup it in her and gently, hold it up to her cheek and rock it as if it's a baby.  They are her pets.  She cries when they roll off her hand and disappear to the ground below.  

Here her and Goalieboy made a rolly poly colony.  They captured about 6 of the disgusting poor things.  Unfortunately, they left it out uncovered one night and it rained.  I'm sure all the rolly polys drowned.

She did find a few slugs.  Thankfully she is not fond of those and threw them back where she found them.  She even smooshed one.  She said, "They're gross and disgusting.".  Hmmm...pot calling kettle black much little miss?  It think it's just a bit gross and disgusting to be digging around for creepy crawlies.  She kills me.

At one point she hunted for worms (we have a ton in our back yard).  She and Goalieboy added them to their bug emporium with the rolly pollys.

This makes me want to puke.  Worm pie is what it looks like.

I've decided I'm keeping these pictures for prosperity sake and going to pull them out and show them to her when she's older.  Heck, I'm going to share them with the boyfriends, husband and grandchildren too.

Lost in a moment

Do you ever just wake up in the morning in a mood, be it good, bad or otherwise?  Lately, my main mood is tired.  As I've posted, my son hasn't been sleeping well because of nightmares.  Therefore, I haven't been sleeping well.  It's gotten better but I'm still exhausted.  Enough said.
This morning I woke up around 6 because said son wanted to climb into bed with us.  Husband had a rare day of going into work late.  So, I slid over and he snuggled up to me for a while before the two of them were up and off to watch tv and eat breakfast.
I layed there half asleep, willing myself to go back to bed.  It wasn't to be had of course.  So, I do what I always do when I'm tired in bed and can't sleep.  I got on my handy dandy phone and checkout out twitter and facebook.  I'm a self proclaimed twitter addict. 
However, I had one of those "lost in a moment" moments when I went onto facebook.  For those of you have been reading my blog a while you'll know about my ex-bullying mommy friend.  We're no long friends on facebook and she blocked me.  Which I'm more than fine with.  However, we share a few mutual friends.  It breaks my heart when I see posts that she's obviously responding too.  I don't miss the friendship.  That's not what gave me pause or put me into the moment.  It's the feeling of waste.  The time and energy I wasted in that friendship.  The effects it had on both of my children.  I mourn the peace on the block.  It's hard to be neighbors with this family. 
Seeing this just put me in a sad mood.  I miss not feeling comfortable walking past their house or seeing them in the school yard.  I miss my kids being friends with theirs.  Not because they needed those friendships but because of the peace and comfort of everyday life.
Conflict makes me sad and uncomfortable.  Does this make sense?  I've moved past the moment but will forever mourn the past.  Hopefully one day, I will be fully comfortable and at peace again.
Do you have someone in your life that makes you feel this way?