Warning...I'm upset and I'm gonig to curse. I need to vent. I rarely do it and since it's my journal I'm going to just let it out....I'm going to ramble and probably make no sense. I'm so bone tired of all the weight I feel is on my shoulders...real or imagined. I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way sometimes. Some days I just crack and today's that day.
I'm so tired of feeling like I'm doing it all at home. I know hubby works a lot outside the house and I do appreciate it. But damn it when do I get help and support at home? I'm so tired of it! I know some moms out there are going to think I'm ungrateful but I'm not! I'm just warn out and exhausted. Yes, I'm not currently working. But I do have a bad neck and shoulder and that's why I'm not working. I'm pissed off at the situation because it hasn't changed whether I'm working or not. Even when i was busting my ass working 50-70 hours a week my husband did little at home. He figured my parents were living with us and not paying anything so they should be helping out around the house. So he did little to nothing. Thing is, I would come home after a long day of 7a-5 p (or 7-7) and still have to do all the cleaning and take care of my kids. I'm not complaining about having to do this but a little support would be nice. My mom is just not good at housekeeping, though she thinks she is. I did appreciate her because she did try to help. However, when she would do a load of the kids laundry she would never pretreat and all my daughters clothes had permanent spit up stains and such. My husband didn't like her cooking so I would be expected to cook dinner for everyone when I got home. I did all the laundry, cleaned the rooms, swept/mopped, vacuumed, dusted and everything. Granted, hubby was working crazy hours too but heaven forbid I asked for help. I did it all and was bitched at if I complained. Hubby would have a beer, and put up his feet to watch whatever game happened to be on tv at the time. Or he wanted to go out and do whatever. If I said a word about staying home to do work in the house I was made to feel like I didn't want us to spend time as a family.
Well, it hasn't changed one bit. I was hooping he would pickup some slack onece we all moved and bought our own places. Nope. His excuse always was that my parents had taken over our place and it was like it wasn't ours anymore. Wait! So that makes it ok not to do anything to help out your wife and family?! Before when I was working he said, he'd help out more if I'd stop complaining and bitching about it. I made him not want to help. What the hell?! This is your house too, why wouldn't you want to help keep it clean? If I get upset with the kids for not picking up their rooms he says I expect too much and I'm a raving bitch. Why? Because I ask our kids to pick up after themselves? I do get upset after I've asked 3 or 4 times. I shouldn't have to ask more than two times TOPS! I don't expect that much of a 5 and 7 (almost 6 & 8) year old. Here's my rules...make your bed in the morning, clean up after you eat, put your toys back where you got them from. How hard is it to do those few things? And I'm not expecting spick and span rooms where everything is neat and organized. I'm expecting that they place their stuff back in their bins...not even neatly. And if they make a mess they pick it up. My son's not too bad about most of this and never was. My daughter is the consumate slob. I hate to go into her room. But she shoves her books in her book cases and shoves things under her bed (there is an under the bed bin she could put it in) and just drops things where ever they lands and leaves them there. Today I asked them to please help me out. And he got pissed at me because i wanted to do some cleaning and it was his day off. He felt I should be doing all the cleaning during the week when no one's home. That's not fair. Everyone helps dirty the house, why should I be the only one cleaning it. On top of that it pisses me off that my husband continues to walk through the house with his shoes on and gives me heck if I ask him to take them off. And if I make the big deal about it with the kids he tells me to chill out, it's one time. It's rude and disrespecful to say that to me in front of them on top of the fact that he's not the one that has to clean up whatever is tracked in. I'm so tired of all of it.
The kicker was him telling me that the kids felt I was being to hard on them when I asked them to help me outside and wash up some of their toys that had been left out all winter and were filthy. How was I being too hard or unreasonable? Here I was sweeping the top and bottom deck off of all the old leaves from the fall and the "helicopters" the tree was dropping now that it's spring and hosing it off. My shoulder/neck are still killing me from that. I'm not going to clean up the whole deck area and backyard myself. it's not fair. All I asked was them to take sponges and clean off their toys. What the hell?! He could've been understanding and supporting and told them that if they had put them into the basement they wouldn't be filthy and needed cleaning. Sigh....I'm just so tired of it all.
He very rarely helps out around the house. Sometimes he'll do laundry....either just his or some of mine too. Never the kids. But, this is him doing the laundry...bring it down to the washer, put it in the washer, put it in the dryer and possibly bring it up to lving room. He doesn't fold it or put it away. I fold it and lug it upstairs to our room. I put mine away right away. I don't touch his anymore. It stays in the laundry basket because his drawers are a mess and I can't fit it anywhere. We have to go without a dirty clothes basket/hamper until he either puts it away or puts it on top of his dresser or on the floor by his side of the bed. It's pathetic. It rarely makes it into a drawer or the closet. He also, shoves clothes under the bed. This is something he started after my parents moved in with us before and he still hasn't broken this nasty habit. Besides laundry he'll occassionally do the dishes. We have a non-working dishwasher that he refuses to replace. I'd rather have a dishwasher than a car. Haha! When he does do them he washes them half ass in lukewarm water. I have to go back and rewash him when he's not around. He sometimes will take the garbage out but it's mostly myself or my son. My son gives me hell but will do it because of my shoulder/neck. I've tried to get him to at least clean the bathroom once a week. Is that unrealistic or too much to ask? One room...not a big one. He's done it maybe 6 times since we moved and by doing it I mean maybe the floor and toilet. I want him to scrub the tub, sweep and mop the floor, clean the toilet, counter and mirror. That's a half hour tops. Geez Louise! And nope, he just ignores me. Hmmmm....and he wonders why I get upset and act bitchy sometimes.
It doesn't help that everything's a fight to get anything done, as far as fixing, in this house. It took him close to 3 months to fix the downstaris toilet. All it needed was a new chain but on inside the tank. I refussed to fix it because he told me he'd do it. What made it bad was he turned off the water to the toilet so no one could use it (because it would run) and then he'd go take a shower and lock the door so no one could come in and use the bathroom. Not cool. One time my daughter almost wet her pants. Thing is, he never tells anyone he's going to shower so they should use the bathroom before he goes in and then he's in their for at least a half hour to 45 minutes. He finally fixed it after we had a huge arguement when my daughter stood outside the bathroom door in tears at 10 o'clock at night because she had to go so bad. Our pipes for our tub has been bad since we moved in. At one point (after a year!) my dad helped him replace the one curved part. It seemed to help for awhile. But now the tub water doesn't want to go down, it drains very slow as if we're taking baths instead of showers and it leaks onto the basement stairs. He tells me he'll get to it but it's been almost another year and it's still the same. Last spring he got mad and put a hole in my daughter's bedroom wall because he was angry with me. It took him almost a month to patch the hole and I think he only did it because my poor daughter was having nightmares. I had tried to put a poster over it but she knew it was there. He still hasn't sanded it down and painted over it...still procrastinating. I'll go months without mentioning it but when I do he tells me to get off his ass. How am I on his ass?! I haven't said anything about it in a while. Thing is, I'll either have to piss him off to do it or do it myself. What kind of relationship is this? No one should have to be guilted or angered into doing something and I don't want to be that way. it always becomes my fault. Take the van he got me. It was truly a wonderful, thoughtful gift. I appreciate it so much. But, he even said, I'm sorry I'm never home and when I am I don't help out. I'd rather take his help any day than the van. I'd rather he be home, supporting and helping me. I don't think he gets that. Today he even said that he gets me the van and why can't I back off. So, I guess he expects that buying the van gives him a free pass to do nothing. I want to cry. I just need him here as my husband, my friend and my partner. Screw the damn van.
I was hopoing venting would help me feel better but it's not. I'm all the more upset and wound up. I feel like I'm a bitch because I expect and want helpl. He makes me feel like I'm not doing my "job" if I need/want his help around the house. I want this to be our home, not our house. He doesn't get it. I guess I need to come to the realization he never will. Sigh...I feel so defeated and lost. Am I a bad wife to want, need and expect help around the house from my husband and kids?
I just feel done, done, done right now. I feel helpless and lost. I'm sure I'll feel better later. I just wish my family would open their eyes and appreciate all I do for them. I guess that sounds ungrateful and self indulgent on my part. I expect too much sometimes. This sucks! I love my family so very much and just want to enjoy them. I want to throw adult responsibilities to the air and just love life. Deep breathes....
I hope those of you reading this will be non-judgemental and just try to understand where I'm coming from. I also hope their are kindred spirits out there that understand how I feel and why I feel this way. I know I'm not all right nor all wrong. I just need a shoulder and some support. I wish I could get it from my husband now. He may say sorry later, i don't know. Sometimes he does, as this is not a new problem between us. But, when does it stop being I'm sorry and become supportive? Good question and I have no answer.