Preview of My Week to Come...Big Changes

As I sit on the couch I stare at my phone contemplating and planning my roller coaster week ahead.

Today includes a possible play date at the park if it doesn't rain.  Maybe some grilled hot dogs.  I'll also be helping the hubby pack for his flight back to Carolina early tomorrow. I'm prepared to be overcome once again with utter sorrow and the comforting of two school age children.

Tuesday will bring daddy's flight sway from us.  It also brings summer to a final end as the kids start school Wednesday. There will be the checking of book bags. The planning and packing of lunches. Lots of tears as we will be missing daddy and have mixed emotions about the first day of school. Hopefully bedtime won't be dramatic but I fear that's a given at this point.

Wednesday I won't be ready to let go. I will be sobbing on the walk home where I will continue to pack up our house for the big move.  After school will be filled with first day of school tales, snacks, dinner, showers abs cuddles.  Once the kids go to bed I'll decide if I should put my feet up or continue packing.

Thursday will be the second day of school and more packing. I'll tuck the kids into bed at night and then pack my bag for an early flight out of Newark.

Friday by 9 I'll be in Carolina with the hubby looking at houses until Sunday afternoon before flying back to my kids.  I'm so glad my parents will be able to take care if my kids while I'm gone for the weekend.

Lots of change going on here. More than my internal anxiety can handle most days but I keep tapping it down.  Hope I can keep it under control and get through the coming weeks of uncertainty and upheaval.

One step at a time....

Change Is Here

August is here and with it a major change to our household.  It's a welcome change, even if only temporary.  For the first time ever, Dancer Girl (my 17 year old stepdaughter) will be living with us for the whole month.  We were so excited when her mother called a few weeks ago to talk to us about it.

When her mom called my hubby she told him that since this is the last summer before DG turns eighteen she wanted her to spend quality time with us.   She wanted them to strengthen their father/daughter bond.  I'm all for that and was so excited!  I never thought I'd see the day come. I am grateful she is giving us this opportunity.  This is what memories are made of.


Before hubby and I got together (almost 11 years ago) they had spent a portion of two summers together.  When we got together our schedules were crazy and we lived six hours away.  We moved closer but unfortunately didn't have any child care so we settled for every other weekend during the summertime too and any additional time we could get.  For me, it's honestly never been enough.

I think it's great that his ex is thinking about their relationship and how it could change once DG is done with school.  It's thoughtful of her to want them to cement their bond.

We've been very fortunate that she still chooses to spend every other (sometimes more) Saturday and Sunday here.  I feel honored.  Time is short and every moment is important.

I'm hoping this will bring the two of them closer together.  They always have fun but my husband is afraid to commit his emotions.  Does that make sense?  He's told me before that he feels like a part time dad with no say.  I think this comes from DG having a full time male "role model" in her life via her mom's common law husband.  They've been together since she was 4.  Right before around the time hubby and her split.  I think he's afraid to get too close, feel too much.  I think it hurts his heart.  This month could really make a huge impact on their relationship.

My kids are over the moon.  They have a hard time understanding why DG can't be here more often.  It breaks their heart when she leaves.  Also, being a teenager, she sometimes chooses hanging out with her friends over them.  This month will bring them closer together.

I think it'll be wonderful for her to get a more intimate look at how our family "runs" on a daily basis.  Up until now she's only caught glimpses.  The longest she's ever stayed has been about 10 days.  Hopefully we don't all drive each other nuts.  {Laughing}  Who am I kidding?  We're a family that's stubborn, outspoken and very loving.  We always drive each other crazy.  She's just going to be in the midst of it more.  I'm hoping that will draw her in closer.  I want her to feel like she belongs....in my heart, she has always belonged.

My heart always aches when she has to leave.  It feels torn out when plans change and she doesn't come.  I get hurt when she chooses her friends over us.  I'm not afraid to admit it. 

I have friends who are not in my shoes that say, "She's just being a teenager".  I understand but they don't/can't comprehend where I'm coming from.  I know this is the same exact feeling I'm going to get with my own biological children.  For me there's no difference in being a mom or stepmom.  It's being a mom plain and simple.  That's just me. I always want my kids with me.  I want them to put famiy first, even if it's not always realistic.

 I love that she's with us.  I hope this time will bond all of us deeper and help us grow tighter as a family.

I love that she feels comfortable coming to me and asking for advice.  It makes my heart swell.  I feel trusted and loved.  We had an in depth conversation about boys, friendships, relationships and more.  I feel honored that she would confide things to me and want my thoughts on the matters. 

I want August to be a time of family bonding.  I pray we all get stronger family ties out of this time.  I hope it will bring us all closer. 

I fear for the end of this time.  I know it's gong to break my heart.  This is a gift I've been craving for so long.  In my heart, she has always been my first child.  I'm looking forward to creating lifetime memories with her this month.