What was I thinking?!

Some days I think I've lost my mind. No wait, that's not quite true. Let's face it. I don't think I've lost it, I know I have. And honestly, what mom seriously hasn't. Don't lie to me now (or yourself). We know moms get what I call "baby brain". This condition occurs once a woman becomes pregnant. Slowly, over time, her memory gets foggy and soon she's lucky if she can remember her child's name, let alone what day of the week it is. And don't fool yourself into thinking it gets better as time for a by because that too is a lie. And if you have more than one child....you, my dear, are doomed. Doomed I tell you to forget everything, make poor judgements and become mindless most days.
I definitely had one of those mommy brain moments a few days ago. It wasn't something simple like forgetting to do something we had scheduled. Nope. This was a full blown mommy moment of what the heck was I thinking. I had definitely lost my ever loving mind because if still had it I wouldn't have decided to do what I did. And what was that decision you ask...
I allowed both my children to invite a friend over. Not just for the day. That would've been the more sane thing to do. Nope, not me. I invited them to spend the day (starting around 2) and the whole night. Gasp! I told you I lost my mind.
What you may ask led me to make this insane offer. First, it's Spring break. I'm a big believer in keeping the kids active and love when they can get together with friends. Unfortunately, Spring here has sucked. It's been cold and rainy almost every day. I understand that's what Spring is about and usually I embrace it. However, it's almost May and we've had maybe 3 warm Spring days. Yesterday the sun was out for the first time but it was freezing cold with a bitter cold wind. My kids go crazy cooped up inside. They need to get out and run around. They were driving me and each other nuts. I did what any (crazy) mother would do and invited friends over in hopes of diffusing the situation.
The good news...my I plan worked out for the most part. My kids didn't kill each other and they weren't so bored. The hard thing about having a boy and a girl is you know they're going to find ways to annoy and torture one another. It's no different than when you double that number. The good thing was...one friend is an only child and the other doesn't t have sisters. It's worse when they do because the annoyance level goes up (as does the torture), if you know what I mean.
I find at 6 and 8 years old it's best to separate them and keep them focused on different things. The girls did good with this. They were more than happy to play in my daughter's room with their baby dolls. The boys were trickier. They wanted to walk the fine line and annoy the girls. Sneaky is what they were. They would tiptoe to their door, knock and run away and other juvenile things. Typical minor annoying kid stuff. The girls took it in stride and ignored them for the most part. We made it through.
Hubby was somewhat helpful once he got home. I was very greatful. He didn't do much but he was good at what he did do. The girls spent some time climbing all over him before going back upstairs to play. The boys hung out with him in the living room and watched hockey.
The evening went well. Bedtime (which I was dreading) was a bit trying. I honestly thought the girls would be worse than they were. The hardest thing was to get them to talk quieter. Our house is tiny and noise carries easily. The rule was music off by 9:30 and to start quieting down by 10:00. Bedtime by midnight. I thought that was more than reasonable. Hubby works early so quiet was not optional what so ever. The hardest part was just getting them to lower their cute, giggly voices. It took a while but they finally quieted by 11 and were asleep by midnight. I was so relieved.
This time, the boys were better. They weren't as wound up and settled down to sleep in the living room easily. I put on the movie Despicable Me and they quietly watched it. My son was out by 11:30. I could tell his friend was fighting sleep and I didn't want to head to bed before he was out. He was the wild card in the equation. See, he's slept over before with negative results. First time I had to call his mom at 11:30 to pick him up. I was understanding (if not a bit frustrated because I had offered to drive him home earlier) because it was his first sleep over ever. Second time he slept over before the boys had a hockey game. Midnight rolls around and he's begging to go home. It took a bit of persuading but hubby convinced him to stay. Everything worked out. This was the third time. I prayed he was "broke in". His mom was convinced he'd be fine. I wasn't quite sure but willing to try. I asked a few times between 10-11 if he was ok and he said yes. Of course, once the movie was over at midnight he wanted to go home. I felt bad but I couldn't do it. I was exhausted and had a meeting to go to the next morning. I attempted to convince him to try to sleep and he said he couldn't. I told him I had to go upstairs and I'd be back. My hubby woke up and said no way, he needs to stick it out. He told me not to go downstairs that it would be alright. It broke my heart because I could hear the boy sniffling. I decided to give it five minutes. Thank goodness two minutes later all was quiet. He fell asleep and stayed that way.
The boys were awake before 7! Ugh. But that's sleep overs for you. The boy was fine. I explained everything to his mom and she was ok with everything. Thank goodness because I felt horrible about it. I'm a firm believer in letting parents know how their kids truly were when asked. I'd want them to be honest with me.
I'm still left questioning....what the heck was I thinking doing two sleep overs in one night?! That's a sure sign of a mommy losing her mind. However, I truly wouldn't have it any other way. Overall everyone had a great time so it was well worth it.

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One of those "Mommy" Days

Anyone who follows me on Twitter may have seen me tweeting about doing some Spring cleaning today. I was geared up and in the mood. Do you ever get into one of those (rare) moods?
It wasn't on the days original agenda. See, ORIGINALLY, the plan was to take the kids and meet up with a good friend and her daughter. We were so excited. We try to get together every few weeks but it's hard to get the kids together. We live about a half hour apart and we're usually booked solid with other things on the weekend. We plan play dates during breaks/vacations. Well, hubby told me at the very last minute that he'd be off from work, so I cancelled our plans. I'm a firm believer on putting family first and it was supposed to be a family day.
Too bad it wasn't meant to be. I woke up after the kids and came downstairs to hang out with them so hubby could rest. He game down 30 minutes later, grabbed a quick bite to eat and announced he had to run to the bank to "move some money around" so our mortgage check wouldn't bounce. 45 minutes later (kids are fed and playing board games) he calls to announce he's going to stop at the gym for a workout. Then he'll be home for lunch before taking Goalie Boy to sticks and pucks at the rink. Then they would come home for an hour or so before heading over to a friend's house to watch the hockey game. Well, there went family day. If I'd known, I wouldn't have cancelled my original plans and would've just made it a girls day out.
I didn't let it get me down. The kids wanted to play outside since the sun decided to come out of hiding. I figured it was as good a time as any to get some Spring cleaning done. I didn't realize how much I had bite off until it was too late but I wasn't going to stop. Probably didn't help I was PMSing (yes, I'll admit to that). Once I get in a cleaning mood during that time of the month I run with it. I never know when I'll see it again.
I tuned my Direct Tv to 80's music and decided to tackle the living room. No easy feat. I haven't done more than minimal cleaning (vacuuming, decluttering) since November. I pulled all the furniture out of the room and had it dusted and vacuumed when hubby came back from the gym. He made us pizza for lunch. He put a load of laundry in the wash and then off the guys went to the rink. Little Bee was invited by a friend to go to the park so I figured perfect timing to finish the living room up and sweep and mop the living room.
I got the living room steam cleaned and put back together before everyone got back. I also decluttered and tossed dime stuff out. I was sore, but feeling good about what I had accomplished.
Then it happened. Hubby brought a friend of Goalie Boy's home. I wouldn't normally mind but I was in the middle of cleaning the kitchen floor. Hubby decided OT was a fine time for him to shower and do things upstairs while the boys ran in and out of the house. He expected me to stop everything I was doing. That's when my day fell apart. Here I was sweeping, mopping, doing dishes and trying to keep 2 energetic boys in line. I was really upset when hubby announced they had to leave to go watch the game because he gave them no time to clean up their mess. They tossed everything into our shed and never picked up my son's bedroom. Hubby thought I was overreacting. That hurt. He didn't try to understand where I was coming from or support me. Being on time to pick up the pizza he ordered and go to the friends house was more important. He was sending a message that it was ok to make a mess and leave it. I was.hurt and upset.
The straw that broke the camels back was after they left. I had mentioned to my husband that I would appreciate if he brought up the dirty clothes he took our of his trunk and left in the front hallway. Also, if he could make the bed. He did neither of these things. I seriously sat down and cried. I felt invisible, like my wants, needs, feelings were nonexistant. It's not right. I understand he works his butt off for us and I would too if I could find a job. But this is the pattern that has been going on forever. Even when I worked 60 hours a week too. It's so frustrating. The most he does around the house is to throw a few loads of laundry into the washer and dryer here and there. Occasionally, he may clear the table, wash dishes or fold laundry. I appreciate when he does these things. I wish he would do yard work, lend a hand around the house one day a week. Make it a family thing. I don't think he's showing our kids a good example on a male's role in the house.
I was honest and told him how I felt. He says he's sorry and he'll try harder. Unfortunately, this is not the first time we've had this conversation. I'm going to try to stay positive and hope things change.
Am I alone in feeling this way? My dad worked continuous shift when I was growing up. He never seemed to be home. However, I clearly remember him mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, doing lawn care, vacuuming, doing laundry. My husband use to do these things years ago but it stopped when my parents lived with us and it's never been the same sense.

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The good, the bad and the ugly. *Week in Review*

*Family days are the best, especially when everyone gets along.

*Physical Therapy can make a difference. I'm going to miss going.

*Hell has frozen over. I walked into the Orthopaedic office and it was nearly empty. I was in a room in 5 minutes and back in my car in 29.

*My Dr is human and has a heart.

*Pecan apple chicken salad at Wendy's is yummy. The fail was they were out of pecans.

*Outrageous gas prices over $4 now.

*Comp lady at Drs office is nice and efficient. Called me right away and had the needed paperwork ready and waiting for me to pick up.

*We had an 80 degree day. Let kids play before dinner and homework. Then it poured cats and dogs.

*Cold, rainy days with temps just above freezing. Thankful for no snow.

*New hit dinner...tostadas with beans, cheese, lettuce and sour cream.

*No major fights with homework. Feel like I won a huge battle there.

*Kids got good report cards. This is easy for my daughter, not so much my son. So proud.

*Son is learning that focusing and hard work pay off. I think teachers may finally get him. It's about darn time.

*Son picked up his hearing aid Friday. Wish him luck. He's nervous as heck but excited at how much better he's hearing.

*Fail, audiologist being on vacation next week so we have to wait on minor aid adjustments. We'll live though.

***Overall it was a great week. I know the rain brings flowers and sunshine will come to stay more often as the days get longer. My son's teachers are listening to me and he is making improvements because of the adjustments I've suggested. The audiologist was nice enough to give us a loaner aid for 3 months while we continue to search out financial aid options. I would definitely say that the good outweighed the bad this week. I feel blessed.

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Angels and Devils

If you're kids are anything like mine they have their ups and downs. Those sweet precious moments you just want to cherish forever. And then there are those moments where you wonder who's child is standing in front of you because you know you taught them to behave better than that. When you have more than one you get a great variety of moments sprinkled with LOTS of sibling drama.
My children definitely have moments on both ends of the spectrum. I think most of the more dramatic moments happen when they are together. Here are some of those moments...

***Daddy is play wrestling with son and goes a bit overboard. Who jumps in to save him but his sister (2 yrs younger and 45 lbs lighter!). She will launch herself through the air and onto Daddy's back. She will pummel him so her big brother can get away. Sweet, right? That is until Daddy gets a bit too rough with her (he sometimes forgets they're kids) and she will beg her brother so save her. So, where is her knight in shining armor? The one she just saved minutes before. You guessed it, staying as far out of the action as possible. You see, this particular knight's armor is a bit tarnished. He will not be saving or defending any distressed princesses.

***When one of my kids go to the doctor without the other one they always ask for a sticker and lollipop for the other. My heart melts every time and the nurses always tell them they're a good brother/sister.
***Also, if I take one of them to the store they never ask for a treat just for themselves. They always make sure to ask me to get something for both of them.

***If they go to the school store or on a field trip they always want to buy the other something.

***Some weekend mornings are great around here! The kids will either be playing the Wii, watching TV together or playing imaginary thing. I love it. The inevitable downfall is a fabricated argument of some sort. To the point of shouting, crying and name calling. Ugh! There are those moments I wish they would just play separately and ignore each other but thankfully those moments pass quickly.

***My kids enjoy playing games together. But god forbid one of them doesn't quite follow the rules (intentionally or otherwise). All hell breaks lose. And let's not even talk about sore losers, or sore winners. Sore winners are the ones that gloat in your face that you lost, they beat you, you suck, they're better than you, etc. That kills me and is not acceptable in our house. It breaks my heart when the loser cries not only because they didn't win but when that the winner rubs it in. My son is usually the evil culprit of this. We do not play that way. You can celebrate winning but don't be nasty about it.

Siblings definitely have their love/hate moments. The hate ones are more often than I'd like and never pass quickly enough but I bathe in the glow of the love moments. I wish I could find a way to bottle it and then sprinkle it over them when the bad moments come. This mommy doesn't want quiet all the time but I would do almost anything for love, piece and happiness all the time.
One of my favorite saying is my children have devil horns and angles wings. Oh, and those halos you see above their heads...yep, they're a bit tarnished but that's ok. They're working on polishing them up a bit as they get older. The good news is...I think my kids are normal, well adjusted kids

An unexpected rant on American Healthcare

I haven't been blogging the last few weeks because of computer and medical issues.  I've missed it so.  I've been able to hang out on twitter but trying to blog from a phone is not very effecient.
2010 and 2011 have been rough years for me physically.  It seems once I get one thing under control another pops up to take it's place.  Some things are minor, others not so much. Minor like a virus or major like my neck/shoulder problem.  I've been trying to stay positive, though I have to admit it's been very hard.  It's taken it's toll on my mentally and emotionally at times.  I'll tell you it's never been boring though.  Besides the hope that things phyically get better over all I wish we had better medical coverage.  The deductible plan we have is going to kill us.  It's $1700 individual, $3700 family.  We've had to put off doing some things medically that are needed.  In October, my husband had a severe allergic reaction that took a long time to get under control.  We still can not tell what caused it and pray nothing triggers it again.  We do know he is allergic to almost every outside seasonal thing possible year round.  Doctors wanted to have him start allergy shots but unfortunately our old (co-payment based) medical coverage ended at the end of October.  We could not afford to pay in full the every other week visit to the allergist for shots (for approx 3 months) at full cost.  Plus follow up shots for another 9 months. So, we've forgone it and hope for the best that he does not have another reaction.  My son's audiologist has suggested trying hearing aids to help with his minor hearing loss and tinnitus.  Unfortuanately, the aids cost around $4500 for two.  That doesn't include the maintaince and reprogramming fees.  We've had to put those off while we save money.  Even our old plan wouldn't cover any of it.  Our audioligist is helping by lending us an aid to try out but it's still going to cost out of pocket expenses.  He's 8!  His hearing effects his learning which effects his attitude towards school, which in turn can effect his whole attitude towards life.  His self esteem and furture are at stake.  He really needs to aids but we'll try the one.  Problem is, even if the aid turns out to be a godsend, we can't afford it and we don't qualify for any time of aid.  The audiologist, while nice, doesn't understand.  She keeps trying to press us into getting a line of credit.  We can't afford to make the monthly payments on said line of credit.  We're barely making our mortgage payment right now.
I've been lucky in that the issues with my neck, shoulder and back have been coverered by worker's compensation insurance up to this point.  However, it's $80 for a doctors visit.  When we all had the flu back in February my husband finally dragged himself to the doctor because he had to be healthy to work.  We couldn't afford the Tamiflu.  Its $90!  He did get two other meds that did help some.  So it was $80 for the visit and another $60 for the meds he did get.  Thank goodness the doctor let us pay $20 and billed us the rest of the $80.  The rest of us sufferered through it.  It wasn't pretty.  When I threw my back out in February, I was able to get it billed under comp because it was the same area that I had injuured at work 2 years ago.  My son needs to go back to see the ENT for  6 month follow up, the audiologist wants to do a follow up too.  Who knows how much that's all going to cost.  These are two things we can't put off.  I'm hoping the doctors will work with us.  My heart is sickened by the greed of insurance companies.  I can suck it up for some things but my children's healthcare needs should be coverered 100%.  America is failing all of its people, its sad.
The last two months I've been battling with another medical issue.  Nothing life threatening, thank goodness but it's been quite painful and it's one of those things people either don't talk about or whisper about behind closed doors.  I had planned to blog about it now, but I got off my original topic with my medical insurance rant.  I'll blog about it next time.  I'm so upset over how American Healthcare is hurting families more than helping them.  It's such a shame.

Dollar Store Dilemma

As a reward for good behavior this week I decided to treat my kids to a visit to the dollar store.  When they were younger this was almost a weekly occurrence but as they've gotten old and gotten more "stuff" we've cut down on going.  We all know most of the toys there are cheaply made and break rather quickly (anywhere from minutes to weeks usually). I knew that they would thoroughly enjoy going and it would help cement the idea that listening and doing what you're told will pay off in unexpected ways. 
The kids were thrilled to hear I was taking them.  They even bypassed on the idea of going home to change out of their pajamas (it was pajama day at school).  I made it clear right up front why I was taking them and the fact that they could pick any one thing.  One thing and one thing only.
I have to say my son was understanding of the rules.  He promptly thanked me for the treat and never begged to buy more than one item.  My daughter only had to be warned once.  My reply was this, "If you ask again you will get nothing so don't ask.".  She knew I meant it so that was the end of the never ending begging that sometimes occurs when I'm out at the store with them.
My daughter is fairly adapt at going through the store and figuring out what she wants.  She will pick a few choices, debate them and then chose.  And that is that.  She use to waffle more but has really amazed me the last year in being able to do this.  My son however, will continue to change his mind and it drives me crazy.  He will walk around the store 5, 10, 20 times picking things up and discarding them.  Over and over and over again.  I start to slowly lose my mind and my patience.  I now have to give him a time limit or this can go on for over 30 minutes and he starts to annoy himself with his indecision. 
Today it was between a few different things.  A cash tray with money, a paddle ball, a foam fling type toy, bakugun type toy or a kite.  Back and forth, back and forth.  He continued to narrow it down.  At first the kite wasn't in the running because he didn't see it hidden in its display by an endcap. It was down to the cash tray and the bakugun type toy.  He asked me to put them behind my back, shuffle them around and then he'd pick a hand.  He picked left and it was the cash tray.  This was the first thing he was drawn to anyways so it worked for me.  He's learning how to subtract dollars and cents in school and he thought this would be a fun way to help him learn.  I'm all for that considering he "hates" to "learn".  His words, not mine.
Then he saw the kites right before we made it to the check out.  Dang!  So close, yet so far!  He picked 2 out and we went through the motions of me putting them behind my back and him picking a hand again.  It was a go again.  Until...  I let him know that we could only fly it at the nearby park because our yard is too small.  That put him into a tizzy.  After settling down we came to an agreement he came up with an I can live with.  We got the cash tray today and if he's good all next week we'll go back and get the kite.  Hopefully by then the weather will be a warmer since it's been in the 20's all this week.
In the end everything worked out.  I think these excursions teach kids about making (appropriate) choices.  It also includes logic, problem solving and decision making.  They're definitely learning things without even realizing it.

What to do, what to do?

An unexpected day of of school can be a parent's nightmare.  Especially if the weather is too bad to take your child(ren) outside to burn off excess energy.  Sometimes it's not possible to send them outside to play or hop in the car and take a drive someplace fun where they can run around and socialize with other kids.
So, every parent's question is, "How can I keep them from getting bored and driving me (and each other) nuts?  That my friends, is the million dollar question for all. 
This winter (now Spring) has kept me on my toes with all the snow days, early dismissals and two hour school delays.  The calendar may now say Spring but we had snow 3 out of the last 5 days.  Yesterday, my kids were released from school early and today they went in late.  All because Mother Nature must be on vacation and forgot to update the weather chart, which I'm sure she keeps on her office wall.
Here's a list of things I like to do to keep my kids entertained and engaged:

1. Picnic for lunch-We spread a blanket out on the rug in the living room. I like to have a variety of kid friendly finger foods: strawberries, grapes, finger sandwiches, cubed cheese, crackers, pepperoni and more.
2. 
   Board Games-Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, Scrabble Flash, Jenga, Dominos, Bingo, Checkers, Monopoly and Sorry are just a few favorites in our house.
3. Baking-Chocolate chip cookies, brownies, cake, cupcakes and more.  My children enjoy frosting and decorating goodies before gobbling them up.
4. Cooking-Both my love to help me prepare dinner.  I haven't gotten to the point of having them chop anything up yet but they do enjoy washing veggies, adding ingredients, setting timers and stirring pots.
5. Coloring-I like to buy a few large activity coloring books that they can pull out on days they're stuck indoors.
6. Computer Worksheets-Believe it or not my kids enjoy doing these.  Even my 8 year old son who "hates" school.  I think he likes it because it's just for fun and it's not homework.
7. Arts and Crafts-I have a box dedicated to arts and crafts.  It's filled with the essentials like: paper, crayons, markers, glue, stickers, foam and fabric pieces, googly eyes, yarn, Popsicle sticks and more.  Whenever I'm at A.C. Moore or Michael's I'll pick up a craft kit or two if they're on sale.  My kids like to paint ceramics, sun catchers, door signs, and more.
8. Puzzles-I always have these on hand.  It keeps them busy for a while.  I like to get ones that are a little challenging for their age but not too hard where they give up quickly. 
9. Puzzle books-Word finds, mazes and easy crossword puzzles are a keeper.
10. Movie Day with Popcorn-Yum
11. Building forts using blankets and couches/chairs-Lots of fun and creative imagination.
12. Dance Party-Whether it's the radio, Cd's or ipod the kids love turning on the radio, singing and dancing around all crazy.
13. Dress up-My daughter loves to dress up and play princess.  She'll put on a fashion show or have a tea party with all of her babies.  I'll do her hair, nails and makeup too for the total girlie experience.
14. Wii-Though I try to limit video game and computer usage these can be active and interactive on bad weather days.  I love the wii because it gets the kids moving.

The most important thing to remember is keep your child engaged and you're day will go much smoother and you're kids will be happier.  Just have fun and make it a special day together.

Lift Someone Up instead of Knocking them Down with Judgement

I can’t stay silent any longer. There are so many people out there complaining about the housing market and being pissed off at their neighbors for short selling on their house or having it foreclosed. I understand you’re upset. I can understand you’re angry. I know this is because it effects the value of your house. The house you have poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last X amount of years. I get that. However, I don’t get why you are so pissed off at your neighbors. WHY?! Do you truly think they want to sell at a loss or lose their house to the bank? If you think this then you’re wrong.


Those people that you may be upset with are hurting right now more than you can imagine. Do you think that most of them didn’t feel the same excitement you did when you purchased your house? Do you think they didn’t put money, time and effort into making it their own? Put yourself in their place for a few minutes before you judge.

Yes, there are those people out there that walk away from a house thinking “fuck it” and don’t care. But that is the vast minority. They’re devastated by the knowledge that they are losing their home. It is not a choice, not an option. It is their own personal fiery hell that they are going through. I am sure they fought to hang on and long as they could. I’m sure they weren’t being unselfish and giving you the finger and thinking…screw them, I want their house to lose value. Think about it. Most people don’t think like that.

These people are on the cusp of drowning. They are aching inside. I’m sure they explored every option and fought tooth and nail for it not to happen. For some, I’m sure the loss of their house ripped their family apart.

Think about it. In this economy there are many reasons why people are losing their homes. It’s not because they were careless financially. Consider this….job loss, work injury, health costs and added or unforeseen financial stress. Pick one, any one. These are the main reasons why most people are selling their home for a lose or having it foreclosed on them. This economy is taking no prisoners. People do not chose to lose their jobs. They do not intentionally get hurt on or off the job. They do not control getting serious life threatening illnesses. They did not plan to have the additional financial burden of supporting their parents. They did not realize that the bank authorized a loan for more than they could afford in the long run. The housing and job market have crashed and there are many victims laying on the side of the road. Before you cast a stone and judge them why not lend a hand to help them back on their feet. A kind word sometimes goes a long way. Don’t condemn what you don’t know. You are not living in their shoes. Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You Got to have Friends

Women need a support group of friends.  Women also need a variety of friends.  There are friends we can tell anything too.  Then there are more casual friends that you bond together over a particular thing.  We have childhood friends, mommy friends, co-worker friends, internet friends and the list goes on and on. It's good to have a variety of friends that you can lean on for support because they each fulfill you different needs in a friend.
I have a few close friends but a large support circle of  friends.  I think in each of my circles I have one or two go to friends are can discuss anything with. 
I have an old childhood friend that I have lost touch with a few times but somehow we find each other again.  We were the best of friends through middle school and high school.  We lost touch for a few years after she moved out of the area and our interests became more varied.  As most teenagers, we had a stupid spat and it separated us for a while.  But, we're like sisters, bonded for life.  We found our way back to each other and I attended her wedding about 12 years ago.  She was living out of state at that point so it was hard to keep in touch.  She was a busy newlywed and I was single working insane hours as a retail store manager.  We lost touch again.  It took another 8 years to reconnect.  We had both moved several times since the last time we spoke so it was took a lot of hard work to find each other.  I finally bit the bullet and joined Facebook because I saw this mini photo of a person that looked a lot like one of her sisters.  I signed up and immediately sent out a message asking the person if they were who I though they were.  I was blessed to find out it was indeed her sister.   I was immediately given her email address and told that my friend had been searching for years for me too.  It was joyous reconnecting again.  She is like the sister I never had.  Even when we've been apart, she's always been in my heart.  I believe every woman should have at least one friend like this.  I feel very blessed.
Another type of friend is the co-worker friend.  I have several of these type from past jobs.  However, it's great when this friend becomes more.  Unfortunately, I've also been burned badly by numerous of these types of friends so I'm now much more leery of this type.  My close co-worker friend was someone I didn't even connect with when I first started that job.  I felt we had nothing in common and she was the distant sort.  That all changed when I became pregnant with my first child.  She too was pregnant and due 8 weeks before me.  We bonded after that and have been close ever since.  She went on maternity leave and never returned to that job. I think that helped our friendship because we didn't have any work drama after the kids were born.  Nine years later and we still keep in touch weekly and get together at least a few times a month for lunch and shopping at the mall.  I can share anything with her and I know she'll listen with an open mind.  She's there with advice and support.  I love this about her. 
My third type of friend is my mommy/school friend.  This is a friend who has kids in your child(ren)s school.  You may have met them while hanging out with your kids in the neighborhood, at the local part, in the school yard or at a school function.  Beware of these friends because some are fake and like to cause "mama drama".  You might miss the clues at first but when you see them run as fast as you can in the other direction.  You do not want to get sucked into mama drama.  Been there, done that.  It's so not worth it.  After all is said and done you may lose a person you thought was your friend, you may lose shared friends who don't really know what happened and your child may lose a friend.  I'll touch upon these things in another post.  For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while, you may remember a post about a bully mom.  Those are the ones that cause mama drama and are so not worth having in your circle of friends.  Find moms that you can connect with.  However, do not try to force friendships between your children.  It may become an issue later.  I can think of one particular friend when I write about this category.  Our children are not friends but will play with each other and, I guess, are friends of a sort.  We connected in a way through my son and her daughter.  Our kids were in speech together during kindergarten.  We didn't meet until I moved into the house behind her right before first grade.  She has become a wonderful friend and neighbor.  What connects us is she has two daughters with disabilities and my son has a hearing impairment.  She is a great support system.  I can always go to her when I'm looking for advice on how to handle a situation at school or a CSE (Committee on Special Education) meeting.  She gets it.  My son is not considered "special needs" and sometimes I have difficulty maneuvering channels. If I don't fight for him he'll get lost in the shuffle.  She is always giving me advice and feedback on my questions.  I can talk to her about anything and she's non-judgmental.  Truly an amazing woman.
When I look at my close friends I realize how truly blessed I am.  I have 5 or 6 that are my go to woman.  I know that they will listen, offer advice and support me whenever I need them.  Everyone should have at least one friend like that.  Foster those friendships and you will reap the  rewards of someone who will always listen and have your back.  Remember to return the favor to them too.  You get back what you put in.  Also, cut any negative, gossipy, mama drama types from your llife.  They are not worth all the energy they are sucking out of you (and possibly your family).  These woman can come back to haunt you.  Trust me, I know.  It's been a year and a half since I cut one of those from my life and she haunts me because her daughter is in my son's class and she is a neighbor.  It's truly like hell.  If I'd known then what I know now I wouldn't have allowed myself to become so close with her and her family.  Hindsight is 20/20 so we have to accept, move on and learn from our mistakes without becoming jaded.
I am truly thankful for my wonderful friends.  Without them I think I would be lost.

So this is it

I'm sitting here with an electric heater on me keeping the living room warm.  This past weekend was a new low but we made the best of a bad situation.
Our oil tank is empty.  It's really not surprising considering the last time we had a delivery was at the end of the summer.  That was the beginning of the end of our financial cushion.  I didn't realize how bad it was because my husband never chose to share it with me.  Unfortunately, we have separate accounts and take care of different household pieces so I didn't know.  I've always wanted a shared household account but I understood that my husband was burned by his ex-wife when it came to money.  She drained all their accounts when they split, let their car be repossessed (rather than sell it), lived in their house until the bank foreclosed on it and wrote bad checks.  I get it so I don't push.  It's small in the scheme of things.  However, he's always been clear with me on how our finances sit.  He's always had some savings to fall back on.  Now it's all coming down around us.  The extra mortgage payment sitting in the bank is gone and there's nothing left sitting around.  The end is slowly, perilously drawing closer and closer. 
The biggest drain is my parents and my heart is sick over it.  Nine years ago my dad lost his job of 30 years.  His plant closed and everyone was out of work.  My mom came to stay with us and help with my son, who was a baby at the time.  It helped them financially because it was one less mouth to feed, less energy being used in their house, etc.  My dad finally admitted that he could not find a job where they were living.  He left my brother in charge of the house, found a job where we were and moved in.  Ever since then we've been carrying most of the financial burden.  We paid $100 extra a month in rent because my parents were living with us.  We paid the whole rent.  We were under the impression that once my dad got back on his feet he would start helping with the rent.  One year turned into two, turned into five and it never happened.  Sure, he would contribute to the groceries here and there or part of an oil delivery but nowhere near half or a third of the cost for us to all live there.  All of us (6 of us in a 3 bedroom once my daughter was born) was way to much.  It put a huge strain on my marriage and my relationship with my parents.  The good that came out of it, is that my kids got to see their grandparents every day.  Too bad they had trouble enforcing boundaries with them.  It was rough.  My husband and I were both retail managers working on salary.  At one point we both were working 60 plus hours a week and I was commuting 45 minutes each way. 
The strain got unbearable.  The bickering worse.  My husband and I knew we couldn't continue to live that way.  We knew our marriage was unraveling quicker each day and we fought tooth and nail to survive.  Finally, after searing off and on for a few years we found a two family house to purchase.  It wasn't exactly where we wanted or how we wanted to live but we knew we couldn't continue going on as we were.  Ideally, we needed and wanted my parents to find their own place but that wasn't going to happen.  We couldn't abandon them because we are not that kind of people.  That was part of the mental and emotional battle we both had going on.  My dad committed to being able to pay a certain amount of the mortgage each month.
Now we are where we are.  My dad has never actually paid the amount he committed too originally.  We are still not in our ideal living situation.  My dad acts like he's the primary mortgage holder and tries to call the shots.  He doesn't get it.  We pay over $500 more a month then he does.  We have identical places except their attic is finished.  They have more livable space.  I don't begrudge that, especially since I like our side more.  What continues to kill me is every time we struggle to make the mortgage payment my dad doesn't get it.  If we ask him to put in more money he says he either a) doesn't have it or b) needs us to repay it within 7 days.  It kills me.  We have been very clear about the situation.  He has blinders on and refuses to listen.  At the end of this month he will be driving to visit my brother who is 6 hours away.  He will spend at least $500 while he is gone.  I don't begrudge him getting away but paying the mortgage is way more important.  I don't think he understands that he will be losing the roof over his head too and that if it comes to that he will not be welcome to live with us.  His only "solution" is for us to move in with them and rent our side out.  Ummmm.....no.  Make that a HELL NO!  We bust our asses and pay the majority of the mortgage we're not going to pack up everything we own and live on your side with you.  We did that before (but them living with us).  It didn't work.  They treated our house like it was their house and we were living with them. I didn't mind them feeling at home.  That's how it should be.  But it wasn't like that.  It was like we were visiting.  Lights blazing everywhere, living room TV running my mom's TV shows 24/7 and her claiming one couch as hers.  I can only imagine how they would treat us if we truly were living in their house.  It would be a nightmare.  To top it off (and I mean no judgement or disrespect to anyone) but my mom is a pack rat (hoarder) and a smoker.  She use to smoke outside when she lived with us and the first year in this house (2 yrs ago) but not anymore.  I can literally smell the smoke seeping through our shared wall (their kitchen, our entryway into the basement).  It's too much.  I draw the line.  I can't live that way and I can't expect my family to do it either. 
My husband is actively trying to find work out of state, where the cost of living is reasonable.  We're hoping to rent out our side of the house.  Until then we continue to keep our heads up and get by the best we can. We did get kerosene for the oil tank.  Unfortunately, nothing will kick in.  My dad is trying to figure out why now.  The temperatures last night fell below freezing.  I had to leave the faucets all dripping and pray the water didn't freeze.  We ran the electric heater upstairs at a 65 and stayed warm all night.  This morning I turned on the downstairs heater too.  While the air is warmer, there's still a cool breeze in the air.  Doesn't help that all the windows in the old house are extremely drafty no matter what I do.
I'm off now to pick up my son from school while my daughter goes to girl scouts.  I pray that the furnace will be working when I return.  I don't know what we'll do if it's not.  We've been showering next door.  I've been doing the dishes by heating water on the stove and pouring it into the sink.  We'll survive but it won't be easy.  Praying the temperatures heat up soon.  We can't afford for anyone to come out and look at anything.  It's a disaster right now.  Keeping my head up, my mind clear and my attitude as positive as I can.  If I don't I'll be a sobbing mess and that won't help us right now.  Too bad a great paying, work from home job couldn't land in my lap right now.  Or we could win the lottery.  Either of those would work right now.
***Chin up and moving forward.

Just trying to make it

Well, it finally happened.  What my husband and I have been worried about for months now. 
Yesterday, I noticed the water in the faucet never quite got past lukewarm.  It wasn't icy cold but it wouldn't get hot.  I didn't want to fully acknowledge the obvious, so I put it on the back burner.  Hubby got home early and him and my son went with a friend and his daughter to see a basketball game in the city.  They were able to go because my husband's friend gets free passes to things like this.  I'm very grateful they were able to go and enjoy a guys night out because they deserve it.  And to be honest, it gets tiring being stuck in the house all the time. Part of it is due to the crappy, unpredictable winter we've had here.  But most of it is because we are broke.  Broke, broke, broke.  Sad, but true.  We've accepted the bitter pill rammed down our throat.  So, it was nice that they could get out and I wasn't going to ruin it by telling my hubby something that could wait.
I woke up this morning and the house was still at 60 degrees.  This is where we keep the thermostat set as of late.  I run an electric heater downstairs during the day and turn one on upstairs before the kids go to bed.  When I go to bed I turn it off.  I'm constantly concerned about electrical fires.  A family in our town had one on Christmas day and that's when I decided that the heater stayed off at night.  To be honest, we haven't really missed it.  So, since it wasn't any colder than normal, I thought maybe (just maybe) I could be wrong about my conclusion for the lukewarm water the day before.  I tested the water.  Nope, still lukewarm.
My parents live next door to us.  We share a 2 family home that we primarily pay for (part of the whole we're broke thing).  The silver lining was I went there and was able to use their shower.  Hallelujah!  I told my dad about the water and he said he'd go over to check things out.  We both knew it was one of our biggest fears come true.  I wanted it to be some minor miracle where the hot water heater shut off and just needed to be reset.
Yep, my prayers for a miracle were not to be answered.  I couldn't cry and rally against god.  I knew it was coming and there was nothing we could do about it.  Our hands are tied financially.  We're doing all we can to hold onto the house at this point and make the mortgage payments.  My dad came back with the obvious answer.  We were out of oil.  Goodbye heat and hot water.  Goodbye.  I don't know how the house stayed at 60 degrees all night last night, but I am eternally thankful it did.
Here's the dilemma about being a middle income family...you don't meet the requirements for any kind of financial assistance EVER.  It sucks!  I know living in a lower income household is worse.  My heart aches for people in that situation.  I don't want to be there and we're struggling on the verge of the precip and ready to tumble over into the darkness.  The fact is between my husband's salary and my unemployment/comp we make too much for assistance.  No one takes into consideration the necessary cost of living.  Sure, we don't have to own a house but we can't even sell the house for what it's worth right now.  We've only had it 2 1/2 years. We got it right before the housing market totally crashed.  If my dad was able to actually contribute the money he claimed he would to the mortgage we wouldn't be in this mess.  We've slowly made our way through our little bit of savings.  Every month we are late on all our bills except the mortgage.  I don't know how we're going to make the payment this month.  I'm scared and worried but I keep it inside because freaking out is not going to help the situation.
The oil problem has been over our head for a while now.  We received our last oil delivery back in July.  The cost was over $700.  We still owe about $350 because of the monthly late charges.  They refuse to deliver any more oil.  My dad even asked back in December if he could pay (cash on delivery) for a delivery for us.  Don't know how he could afford it, but he tried.  They said no.  We had to pay our balance in full before they would deliver.  We can't win.  They won't deliver until we pay the whole bill off and if we do pay the whole bill off they will only deliver if we pay cash on delivery.  So, even if we could by some stretch of the imagination pay it off we can't afford to fill it.  It's a no win situation.  We're truly stuck. 
My husband is going to go to the gas station after he gets home today and fill up a couple gas cans with kerosene.  I wish we could avoid this but we have no choice.  We're in a no win situation and I'm worried we could very well be homeless in a few months.  I keep tapping down the worry.  Trying to think positive that everything will work out.  My husband is feeling the pressure of it all since he is the main income holder.  He's about ready to lose it.  He is the "bread winner".  He holds it all together not only for our family but for my parents too.  Not that my parents really realize this.  They are in denial.  I think they believe we have money hidden away some place and are just asking them for more because we want to save ours.  It couldn't be farther from the truth.
I can feel the house getting colder as I type, even with both our electric heaters running.  The next few days will be ok but by mid week the lows will be below freezing and I fear about the pipes freezing.  Hopefully the kerosene will get us through the next few weeks...next few months.
The pressure is on and the fear is there.  Going to go try to put on my happy face for the world so they don't realize how close I am to losing it.

A Mom's Gotta Do, What a Mom's Gotta Do

So, this weekend I was sick. Achy, sore, exhausted sick. Kids and hubby to the rescue. They were great about letting me rest, kept the noise level down and continuously check on me and brought me food/water. Love them to pieces for that. I swear aliens took over their bodies temporarily, but you won’t hear me complaining.


Hubby took the kids out during the afternoon to the skating rink. They had open skating for a few hours and then my daughter had lessons a little after that. The kids had a blast. One of my son’s friends was there and they got to hang out. My princess skated the whole time with her daddy. And I got peace and quiet. Heaven, right?

Not so much. That’s because I’m a bad, sick mommy. I’m my own worst patient. While everyone is home it’s easy to stay in bed and relax. I know if I don’t one of two things is sure to happen. I will either over do things and no one will stop me or I will be told to sit on the couch in the middle of the chaos, all the while wanting to straighten up. Better to hide in the bedroom and force myself to relax.

At this point, most of the aches and pains were gone and my energy was slowly coming back. I had to take it easy because I didn't want to become exhausted. Within minutes of that front door closing I made my way slowly downstairs to find something to eat and a book to read. Too bad I can’t have tunnel vision because I saw the mess. Granted, not a major mess but still a mess that my hands itched to clean. I don't like clutter, but I can deal with it.  A house is not a home without clutter...I just wish I could hide mine better. It's the little things laying thrown carelessly about or piled up where they're not supposed to be that drive me slowly insane.

I figured I’d straighten up a bit and that would be that. Seeing the tracked in dirt on the kitchen and entryway floor drove me crazy. So I got out the broom and started there. Then I saw that our stairs could do with a good sweep so I did that too. There were a couple of dried up food spills on the floor so I cleaned them up. I didn’t have the energy to actually mop. Plus, I detest mopping.  Was that food crumbs I spied under the coffee table? I try to limit the kids eating in the living room because crumbs just can't be helped at their age. I grabbed the dirt devil and sucked those up too, along with other tiny miscellaneous things clinging to the carpet. I finally made my way to the cupboard to get a snack only to find it gone…fodder in someone else’s tummy. Dang it all to heck! I expended all my energy cleaning up and wanted to reward myself with a treat. That’s when I noticed some Tupperware crammed into the wrong space, so I rearranged that too. I went back to the living room. I folded up blanket laying on the floor and put it neatly over the back of the couch. I straightened the pillows. I picked up my daughter’s pillow pet and various kitty Webkins and put them on a corner of the couch. My son had left a waded up t-shirt and a few toys laying around. Those went onto the other corner of the love seat. His Crayon Maker was laying outside of it’s box so I tidied that up and put the box back under the end table where we keep it hidden.

I was finally ready to make myself something a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of tea. I went to grab my book and noticed the dust collecting. So, I grabbed my duster and quickly cleared away the dust.

FINALLY, I made it back upstairs; just a bit winded from my mini cleaning spree.

Who are these Imposters?

Friday night was not my friend. It all started when my son couldn’t find his beloved Hershey Bear. We searched high and low before bedtime but he was nowhere to be found. After much coaxing and hubby laying down in his bed with him for a bit, he fell asleep. Mommy enjoyed relaxing a bit and a little Twitter #wine party before heading upstairs. Not more than 30 minutes later he was awake and crying. I settled him back down and laid with him for a bit. This was repeated often over the next 2 hours before I finally accepted defeat and crawled into his bed for the rest of the night. It wasn’t pleasant for either of us I’m sure. He tends to move around in bed and a twin bed is not big enough for the two of us. Add my neck/shoulder/back problems and you can see that I was in trouble.

I rolled out of his bed about 6 a.m. and crept back to mine. I woke to my cell phone insistently demanding to be answered. I guess it was the second time my husband had tried to call. Oops! I was so tired that I slept through the first one and my alarm set for 7 a.m. never went off. It was now 8 a.m. and my son had to bed ready to leave for hockey by 8:30. Miraculously, I pulled my aching, sore self out of bed and woke the boy up. Even more surprising, he didn’t roll back over and go back to sleep. In record time I showered, got my daughter up, they both got dressed and we were out the door by 8:35. Not bad, I have to say.

I should have known something was wrong. I blamed all my aches and pains and exhaustion on a bad night of sleep in the boy’s bed. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There I was shivering at the rink trying to stay warm and awake enough to drive home. I’ve had plenty of Saturday mornings where I’m dead beat and I’ve never almost fallen asleep driving to and from the rink or sitting there watching the game.

I’m grateful that my kids chose to be understanding and good. Most of the time when I’m feeling off they tend to nag each other and me more. Not this time. Hallelujah! They got snacks and kept themselves entertained. Barely any arguments. I slept off and on from 11-5. I finally admitted the obvious. I had a nasty virus taking over my body. I took my temperature and it was 100.4. That said it all. I was supposed to go to mommies night out at a friend’s house. That was out.

My husband was very understanding too, if not as attentive as I would like. I’m not complaining, just stating a fact. He did keep the kids occupied and would send them up periodically to see how I was doing, get me some food or water. Again, a very grateful, sick mommy.

I’m feeling better today. Hubby understood that even though my fever is gone and I’m not so achy that I’m exhausted and need rest. The kids have been off for the past week and go back tomorrow. I need to be as close to 100% as possible. He got them out of the house and took them to the rink for a few hours. It’s peaceful and quiet now. Now time to nap.

Later, I’m going to blog about what a bad, sick mommy I was.

P.S. Hubby did all the dishes for me too! I was so excited. I guess between him and the kids there were almost no plates, bowls or silverware to be had.

Lost in a moment

Do you ever just wake up in the morning in a mood, be it good, bad or otherwise?  Lately, my main mood is tired.  As I've posted, my son hasn't been sleeping well because of nightmares.  Therefore, I haven't been sleeping well.  It's gotten better but I'm still exhausted.  Enough said.
This morning I woke up around 6 because said son wanted to climb into bed with us.  Husband had a rare day of going into work late.  So, I slid over and he snuggled up to me for a while before the two of them were up and off to watch tv and eat breakfast.
I layed there half asleep, willing myself to go back to bed.  It wasn't to be had of course.  So, I do what I always do when I'm tired in bed and can't sleep.  I got on my handy dandy phone and checkout out twitter and facebook.  I'm a self proclaimed twitter addict. 
However, I had one of those "lost in a moment" moments when I went onto facebook.  For those of you have been reading my blog a while you'll know about my ex-bullying mommy friend.  We're no long friends on facebook and she blocked me.  Which I'm more than fine with.  However, we share a few mutual friends.  It breaks my heart when I see posts that she's obviously responding too.  I don't miss the friendship.  That's not what gave me pause or put me into the moment.  It's the feeling of waste.  The time and energy I wasted in that friendship.  The effects it had on both of my children.  I mourn the peace on the block.  It's hard to be neighbors with this family. 
Seeing this just put me in a sad mood.  I miss not feeling comfortable walking past their house or seeing them in the school yard.  I miss my kids being friends with theirs.  Not because they needed those friendships but because of the peace and comfort of everyday life.
Conflict makes me sad and uncomfortable.  Does this make sense?  I've moved past the moment but will forever mourn the past.  Hopefully one day, I will be fully comfortable and at peace again.
Do you have someone in your life that makes you feel this way?

Mommy "Me" time

Hallelujah, my dad took the kids for a few hours and gave me my sanity temporarily back.  My dad may drive me nuts but for this I thank him from the bottom of my heart.  He said he misses the little monsters.  He hasn't seen them much this winter even though him and my mom live next door.  There's been various colds and viruses around and I didn't want the kids over there catching them.  Long story short....my mom is always sick.  She doesn't take care of herself, never leaves the house and is a slob disorganized mess.  She's the opposite of my father in many ways.  Plus she smokes.  The house reeks of it and she claims to smoke "outside".  That's what she calls opening the door a crack and puffing out it.  Ok, enough of my ranting and back to the subject at hand.  SANITY!  Mine to be exact.
Grandpa is taking the kids out to see the movie Gnomio and Juliet.  He wanted to take them last week after school one day but I had to put my foot down.  As nice as the quiet would've been I would've been paying for it after with a rushed dinner, showers and homework.  So not worth it.  My kids know how to get him to spoil them too.  He'll be treating them to popcorn and soda.  I try to limit soda in the house and my popcorn is the lite version.  They will be in heaven.
There are so many things I could do with these few hours but I'm going to keep it simple.  I just had a nice, relaxing soak in the tub while reading Kate White's "Hush".  I put on clean pjs and I'm relaxing here at the computer.  I have a bottle of water and a plate of nice red, juicy strawberries at my disposal.  the news is on low so I can listen to anything that catches my interest.  I'm blocking out all the war and violent stuff.   It just depresses me and I chose not to hear it right now.
In a bit I'll make myself a light lunch, meal plan for the rest of the week since the last two days were too hectic and maybe (just maybe) start laundry and do the dishes.  I could pass on both items but I'm all out of comfy pants and I hate looking at dirty dishes (since my dishwasher has been broke for almost 2 yrs).
But for now, I'm just going to kick back and relax.  A nap, while tempting, isn't on the agenda because I want to be awake to enjoy the serenity of it all.
Jealous, aren't you?!

Apple Delight Quesadillas

I wanted to share a yummy dessert I threw together.  You can either use the recipe for Warm Cinnamon Apples or a can of apple pie filling. 
My kids fell in love with the combination of the crisp outer layer, warm melty cheese and syrupy sweetness of the apples.  They have already begged me to make it again. 
I love that this is quick, easy, nutritious (sugar can be adjusted or sugar free pie filling can be used) and inexpensive. It's also very versatile.  You can substitute other fruits or pie fillings....i.e. cherry, blueberry, bananas and more.  Enjoy!

Apple Delight Quesadillas

Ingredients

Flour Tortilla Shells (taco size)
Warm Cinnamon Apples (recipe below) or 1 can apple pie filling
cream cheese (I use light cream cheese)
cooking spray

Directions

1. Spray small skillet with cooking spray and heat on medium
2. Lightly spray one side of tortilla with cooking spray
3. Flip tortilla over and lightly spread with cream cheese
4. Take a spoonful of cinnamon apples/pie filling and place on half the tortilla
5. Fold over creating a semi-circle and place in heated skillet
6. When first side is browned flip over and repeat
7. Slide onto plate and enjoy!

***for an extra yummy treat you can sprinkle with cinnamon sugar or top with ice cream.
Warm Cinnamon Apples

Ingredients


4 McIntosh apples, peeled and sliced (about 2 lb.)
1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 tablespoons water
1 tablespoon butter

Preparation

1. Toss together apples, brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg in Ziploc bag.
2. Cook apple mixture, 2 Tbsp. water, and 1 Tbsp. butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, 8 to 10 minutes or until apples are tender

The Warm Cinnamon Apples are also a perfect addition to breakfast over oatmeal or a side for dinnertime.  This is also a family favorite that I serve quite often.

I hope everyone enjoys these.  Feed back appreciated!

Daytime fears bring Nighttime nightmares

Every child has bad dreams from time to time, nightmares we call them.  Some are mild and others are strong.  Some children have them more frequently and worse than others.  The important thing is to speak openly to our child(ren) about them and try to understand what triggers them.  With listening and understanding we can make it better, if only for a little while.
By looking at my 8 year old son you would have no idea that he suffers "chronically" from nightmares.  He has a strong, stubborn personality.  A tough exterior.  Maybe the nightmares have made this a coping mechanism.  I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know.  He is also outgoing and friendly.  I'm glad for these characteristics.  I worry that the nightmares will turn him into a quiet, sullen child.  At this time he saves those mood only for me. It's a blessing and a curse. Especially on mornings after long nights of tossing, turning, moaning and crying.  Sometimes he sleeps through the moaning and crying, though it can appear he's awake.  Other times he is awake...wide eyed and terrified.
As a toddler he had what is called night terrors.  These are very strong dreams where the child screams, cries, shakes uncontrollably.  They can be as stiff as a board with their eyes wide open with terror.  I never got use to them.  Never wake a child from these.  I would attempt to carefully guide him back to bed if he was out of it.  I would rub his back and whisper to him softly.  Eventually, after what seems like hours, he would calm and fall back to sleep.  He's slowly grown out of the worst of these.  Those seemed to be more like faceless fears, if that makes sense.  His nightmares seem cyclic almost.  The fears always seem to be simmering under the surface and something will bring them back to the forefront of his mind and it's off and running.  In November (thru late January) of 2009 it was the movie "Home Alone" that set them off.  He had seen the movie numerous times before with no negative reactions.  Seeing it that time though brought everything on.  It started when he was afraid to go upstairs.  He was sure someone was in his room with a gun.  The nights following that we're rough.  Crying before bedtime and nights riddled with nightmares from the moment his eyes closed until the wee hours of the morning.  Then, they slowly subsided.  Before and since then, some of his fears are: someone breaking in, guns, ghosts, monsters (this one I think is resolved) and fire (major house fire in our community on Christmas 2010) to name the main ones.  Oddly enough, he is not afraid of the dark.  Though sometimes shadows will effect him.
All kids have fear.  I realize this.  But these constant fears are gripping and squeezing the life out of him.  It effects not only how he sleeps but how he functions the next day.  So far, his nighttime fears are not obvious to the outside world.  By this I mean, he contains it to home.  I think it would really effect his mental state more if he had problems while he was in school or socializing with friends.  I want to do what's best for him and I don't know what that is.  I've read that some people say that you should acknowledge to the child that it's ok to be afraid and determine ways to handle it.  That approach makes the most sense to me and it's how I've been proceeding.  Others say that parents should be firm that there are no such thing as ghosts and to basically tell the child to suck it up.  I just can't do this one.  I feel that would just weaken his fragile mental state at this point. Am I wrong?  It's so hard to know what the right thing is for a child.  Especially since he is not 4 years old.  He can vocalize more of his fears but being older makes it harder in many ways.  I don't want to provide him with a crutch but I do want him to become strong mentally/emotionally and accept his fears.
One major stumbling block right now is my husband.  I feel he doesn't understand that our sons fears are concrete, real to him.  I patiently try to talk to Jacob about what is going on in his dreams and to brainstorm ways for him to cope.  Realistically, they are not just going to go away because we're willing it away.  I do have nights and mornings where I am cranky and do not handle it properly.  Those times I deeply regret because I know it's not his fault.  My husband does not take the same approach as me and I worry that this could be doing more harm than good to my son. Sometimes he is patient and understanding and I cheer.  But most times he just repeatedly tells our son that his dreams are not real, they can't hurt him and he'll then play on the fear.  This makes my son cry.  I'm sure it makes him very uncomfortable and self conscious.   i.e. the other night my son didn't want to go upstairs to get ready for bed because he was afraid of ghosts being up there.  We both rationally tried to tell him that it was ok and that his sister was already up in bed.  He still refused to go up alone.  My husband said he would go up with him.  Then said, I'll meet you up there.  That, to no surprise, didn't fly. Don't say you'll go up with him and then say you'll meet him.  It's not the same.  So, hubby went up before him and then right before son got to the stairs there's hubby at the top of the stairs with a dark blanket wrapped around him and a Storm Troopers helmet on.  Way to scare the kid more.  Sometimes, he'll even call him a sissy or a girl.  I guess he thinks it's all in good fun and that it'll toughen our son up. I feel it whittles away self confidence.  We've gotten into many disagreements on how to handle this.  It saddens me that he is too stubborn to see the potential damage he is causing with his actions.
We've been struggling with this for years now.  I don't know what to do.  Is it "normal" for 8 year olds to have constant nightmares?  I just don't know.  I would love to take him to a therapist but our health insurance, like many Americans, is horrible.  We have to meet a $3500 individual deductible before they will cover anything.  My heart is breaking and I don't know where to turn.

My body is falling apart...one piece at a time

Sitting in a chair once more at PT. This is the end of week 2 of 8 weeks. As my Twitter followers know...I threw my back out in late January from just coughing. Originally, I hurt my lower back at work back in July of 2009. I was lifting heavy boxes and compensating for my neck/shoulder injury a few years back. BAM! The back seized up and the rest is history.
I re-aggravated the neck/shoulder in October of 2009. Once again, I was working. I couldn't seem to catch a break. I started PT and was doing it fairly consistently until August 2010. At that point I was cut off and I've been making due. Then with that fateful sneeze I laid myself up for 4 days and a trip to my doctors.
So far, the PT on my back seems to be helping. Unfortunately, it has aggravated the neck. We're trying to put as little stress on it as possible. I had PT Wednesday morning. That night my neck/shoulder were tight and I had a horrible tension headache. Headache is gone now but the tension is still there. Praying they don't torture me too much today. I don't want another tension headache and the additional pain that comes.
Update:  Yep, I was tortured.  We agreed to adjust the one exercise that is similar to a push up with a hold count of 10 seconds.  It puts too much stress on my neck.  But there is now added torture.  I have to get up on all fours with my back like a table.  I have to alternate raising my left arm out in front of me and then the right.  10 times each.  Then the same with each legs.  If that isn't bad enough the final one is where I where I stretch out the right arm and the  left leg at the same time and then alternate it with the opposite....10 times each.  Oh the torture of it. The good news is that I didn't feel like I was straining the neck area as much. 
The major torture came when my therapist did this really light pinch/roll across my lower back.  It shouldn't hurt.  I'm so tight it felt like he was either pinching my with all  his might or giving me shots with a needle.  Thank goodness we have a good relationship because I told him numerous time that I hated him and that he was taking pleasure in my pain.  He knows I wasn't serious, but damn that hurt a lot! He says it's really tense.  It does feel looser since his torture.  Now I have to drink lots and lots of water he said because he released something in my skin and I'll dehydrate easy.  So, I'm on my third glass of water. 
Hoping next week brings less torture.



Too much quiet isn't always a good thing

The house has been errily quiet since 7:45 tonight. Why you may ask? Us moms pray and dance to the gods for nights like this. However, when we get that rate gift we don't know what to do with it.
Little Bee went over a friends house at 4:30 to sleep over. It's 3 houses down the street. At 6 she claims to be a master overnight guest and can recount every sleepover she's had since October.
The house definitely got a bit quieter when she left because my son had no one to torment. Or so it seemed. My stepdaughter, Kay, is over this weekend so he dogged her nonstop. It's sweet for the most part but can become annoying as he follows you up to the bathroom or drapes his 80+ lb body over you while watching tv.
Grandma invited him to sleepover since grandpa is working overnight. So he headed over there before 8. This after refusing to go upstairs to use the bathroom because he was suddenly afraid of ghosts. I guess grandma had Ghost Hunters in earlier when he stopped in after hockey. We were ready to push him out the door. My patents live next door to us, so it's easy. We were longing for peace and quiet.
We chowed down on the chocolate chip cookies I made and watched Wedding Crashers. Then it just got quiet as Kay decided to go upstairs and Skype with some of her girlfriends. It's too quiet here. It is after midnight, but usually the boy is in his bedroom next to ours tossing about and mumbling. He is a very restless sleeper.
I'll have to make due with the dinging of the heating vents or I'll never go to sleep. I'm beat and tomorrow (well, actually later this morning) is a big day in our house. Little Bee is skating in her first competition. Wish her luck (and mommy 7 hrs of good sleep!).

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Bullying through my eyes

Earlier this week I was privileged to participate on a Twitter chat (#ptchat) concerning bullying. The chat focused on girl bullies. Bullying is a topic extremely close to my heart. I was bullied as a child from fourth to twelfth grade. I will not tolerate bullying in my children or others. I think I'm going to make this an ongoing topic in my blog.
This post will touch upon my bullying experiences. I was a shy, introverted child. My father worked long hours and my mother was a housewife. I got along well with my peers as most kids do in the early years of school.
In fourth grade my school district took its third elementary school and divided the students between the two remaining schools. My tormentor came from this school. I was a tiny child, one of the smallest in that grade. Believe it or not, this girl was smaller than me. Looking back I believe she picked on me to raise herself up and put herself into a power position. Bullying can be about self esteem/self image.  She wasn't confident in herself because of her height and this was her compensation mechanism. Sad, but true I believe.
A lot of my memories are muddled with time and the need to forget the painful details. This girl was just mean. Plain and simple. I didn't provoke her. We had no shared history. Life was hard enough as it was because my family was struggling financially and my mom rarely left the house. I was not active in any activities because my dad was never home and my mom full of excuses.
One clear memory is of this girl approaching me in the bathroom during fourth grade. It was one of those times before/after lunch where the whole class lines up and walks together to go. She got in my face and threatened to beat me up. No provocation at all. I remember trembling and trying not to cry. I was terrified by this pint size bitch. No one stepped in on my behalf. I honestly don't recall how many girls witnessed this. It may have just been the two of us.  I've obviously blocked it. I wish I had the strength to stand up for myself or tell the teacher. My teacher wasn't really the approachable type, so the idea barely crossed my mind.
Over the years it progressed from there. It wasn't always that girl. It was other girls that got pleasure from taunting a shy child that was awkward in her own skin. The boys joined in too. I was called names, snickered at and made fun of in so many ways. Thank goodness I was never physically hurt. I was hurt mentally and emotionally which is just as bad. I'm glad details have faded because I learned to move past it. It didn't help that my mom was socially awkward.  I had no one to guide me into womanhood.  I learned on my own how to do my hair, make up and try to take care of my acne ridden face.  My parents didn't consider buying me any special skin products or take me to a dermatologist.  That opened me to more bullying and my self confidence was already low.  I started wearing glasses in fifth grade.  There was no such thing as thinner lens then.  Mine were extremely thick and I had the ugliest plastic frames.  My self image was zero.
I try to focus on the positive now that I'm older.  There was some good that came from this though it took years to develop.  I was struggling in school until half way through fifth grade. I started focusing on school work since I had to social life. My overall grades went up and I became a much better reader.
I had neighborhood kids that would play with me some days after school but would not hesitate to cut me down in school. It made then feel cool, I'm sure. We moved between sixth and seventh grade. I didn't change middle schools but I did move to a new neighborhood, a few houses from an acquaintance. We became good friends and I slowly allowed myself to open enough to become close friends with two other girls. These three girls gave me strength and confidence. I came out of my shell around them. I became a leader, even if it was only in our small group. Though I was still bullied daily these girls helped change my life. In essence, they saved me.
There were definitely moments where I hated my life. I would cry and rally to God asking him why me. I had dark, depressive days. I thought about ending it all some days because the mental, emotional pain was more than I thought I could bear. But, I found reasons to keep going. My tight knit group of friends gave me that. I was a different person in school than I was at home. They saved my life because I never went further than thinking of ending it. I never acted. I found positive things to focus on and get through those dreadfully bleak hours.
Parents, please keep an open dialogue with your children. They may not always want to talk but they will know you are there. Listen and try not to judge. Don't always offer advice. Sometimes that's not what they need. Be supportive. Look for changes in behavior, even if it's minor. Make your presence known in school. Be a positive influence. Teachers and other parents are more likely to approach you if you make yourself available. Be nice and supportive of their friends. They may come to you in confidence if they think something is wrong with your child. You set the tone. You're the adult. Be aware of those who negatively influence your child. Handle them accordingly without banning them from your child's life. If you do, you child will find ways to defy you. Sometimes it's about subtly. Be subtle and your child will eventually see that negative influence themselves.
Be there. Listen. Support. Help stop bullying.

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